Waxing Poetic About Waxing My Back
Back hair is a scourge that must be dealt with.
Every now and again there comes a time in your life in which you realize Diddy is completely right about something. For some people it's the moment they realize Proactiv Solution is a good treatment for acne (and increasing their sexy), some people come to terms with the value of the remix versus creating new beats whole cloth, and I came to terms with ridding myself of unwanted hair.
Though I'm fair of skin, hair and temperament, I'm a hirsute fellow. While Robin Williams and I are not identical forearm twins, for a dude with Irish-German ancestors, I do sport Greco-Persian quantities of hair (yet, like many Irishman I can't grow decent mustaches as the whole shooting match comes in all patchy).
What's a fleecy fellow to do? Option 1 is to hunker down, keep your shirt on and avoid the beach. While the beach is somewhat overrated, I do enjoy taking my shirt off in disgust or celebration. Option 2 is to own it. Easier said than done. Magnum is a cool guy but even Fonzi's not cool enough to rock back hair. Option 3 is manscaping. Ugh, is right.
There are a few ways to slough unwanted man-hair. Dilatory compounds (Nair, Epilstop, etc) seem like a good idea on paper but they are stinky and burn (not like the Dickens, more like the Kipling). Please do not use these creams or get them in your eyes—they smell like a Yeti's undercarriage. So that leaves 3 main options: shaving, waxing and the laser.
I know next to nothing about laser treatment. I've heard it's expensive, requires many sessions, works better with course, dark hair and could blind you if used irresponsibly. It seems like this option is best for women.*
I do know about shaving. It's an arduous process and not something someone can get full coverage using. And despite what Family Guy's Peter Griffin might tell you, back shaving is not something you want to ask someone you know to do. The chest, on the other side, is fine to shave. My homey Paul from Atlanta insists on shaving his torso weekly (evidently, chicks in the Dirty Dirty are more into the McConaughey than the Burt Reynolds).
Waxing (as in phases of the moon) means increasing. Maybe pulling hair out by its root is increasing your sexy. At any rate, the program involves warming a sticky substance, applying it to an area of unwanted hair, placing a bit of paper on it and then yanking that paper with all your might. Does it hurt? Nah, the real issue with waxing is the aftermath. I have what doctors call "sensitive skin." Some part of the process, the naked, undefended pores, the waxy substance or both do a number on my follicles and outbreak sets in. My options are, therefore, the ass or the crotch (thank you Fight Club) or between back hair and backne. Yes, the absolute apex of increasing the sexy.**
Discussion
Thanks for the heads up on friggin' laser beams, Willb3d. I may be a little on the fair side for that kind of high-tech action.
LeMaster, thankya kindly for getting my back (hi-ooo!) regarding surface area.I think I counted upwards of 35 press-and-pulls on my back. Even Pauline Bunyan wouldn't take that much wax to make her bare down there. I'd also like to add that I've been told that a Brazilian provides a not-unpleasant tingle in addition to it's cosmetic appeal. Any tingle associated with back waxing is just pride escaping through the mostly empty hair follicles.
Thanks for reading and keep the comments coming, all.
This story reminds me of Steve Carrell in 'The 40 year old virgin'. His buddies convinced him to wax the hair off his chest and then when he didn't finish the process (because of the unbelievable pain) they called him a Man-o-lantern. The resulting pattern looked like a face from a jack-o-lantern. Funny stuff.
Side note: I understand that during the filming the scene was taped without practice and no warning so the pained looks on his face are very real. Well . . . he did earn a BIG sack-o-money for the part.
Laser is the way to go, if you have a spare thousand bucks. Please remember, you must do your laser treatments before your body hair starts going white/grey since the laser doesn't affect white hairs. So if you're in your thirties, don't delay. I kept my tummy and chest hair, but deleted everything from my shoulders/upper back. I simply went once a month, over the course of one year. And now I can go shirtless without paranoia that people think there's a human-shaped animal loose. By the way, lasers have improved so much. The one that was used on me fired a burst of cold mist onto my skin immediately after the laser went off, so there was immediate relief and there was no need to use any numbing creams whatsoever. I actually did this during lunch break at work! Totally easy -- except on the wallet. But we spend thousands on cars, isn't our own body worth a thousand?
Tom - I think you should rally some celebs and try to get back hair in style. It would only take one big celeb. Let's say you could convince Robert Pattison to implant some back hair and make public appearances wearing a tank top...you'd be a hero to your gender. Tall task - but if there's anyone that can pull this off, it's you. Let me know if you need help with the "I'm Proud of My Back Hair" Facebook Group.
