Top 10 Facebook Etiquette Rules
It's time that social media starts following the real life rules of common courtesy.
Facebook, like nuclear technology, is a tool that can be used for good as well as evil. And there are clearly some people who lack the ability (or desire) to use either responsibly.
One of my all-time favorite Facebook stories involved a recent college graduate backtracking it to the old Alma Mater (it wasn't Tucker Max) on a recruiting trip. He went to a neighborhood watering hole, flashed some of that first-year cash and, later, worked on his night moves with a fine, young coed. Unfortunately, he knew she was going to Facebook (it's a verb now) him and he still had a few days in College Town, USA. So, he did the prudent thing and changed his status to Single. He and his old old girl were on the rocks and he thought he'd enjoy the rest of the trip. This was how now ex-girlfriend found out. She was dumped by Facebook.
And because this is neither Vietnam nor the Wild West, we decided to implement some rules of etiquette for Mark Zuckerberg's handiwork. Here are the top 10 rules of etiquette for using Facebook responsibly in and around relationships:
10) Relationship status is a mutual decision. As illustrated above, lots of problems can arise from a unilateral status change. All of your friends get that update in real time, not a fun way to find out that the dream is over.
9) It's OK to look through your friend's friends for people you might want to meet/ date/ friend. It's not OK to skip the middleman on the introduction. I get freaked out when anyone I don't know tries to friend** me. I assume they're trying to sell me something, stalking me or both. As always, be mindful of friend-poaching, it's not cool.
8) Ask first before friending a close friend's ex-squeeze. It's common courtesy and it's part of the Bro Code.
7) It's OK to remain friends with someone you used to date on Facebook. We can be grownups about this. Just prepare yourself to see some status updates that you could probably do without.
6) Posting a ton of pics, vids and comments regarding a recent, failed relationship is a bad idea. If you need a lifeline, phone a friend don't ask the audience.
Discussion
I think everyone needs to lighten up. Boundaries are important, especially on FB and the web in general, but c'mon this draws a common parallel to the modern children's playground. Everything safe, foamy, and spongy. It's time we say goodbye to helicopter parents and idealisitc "bubble worlds". Having your feelings hurt and either directly or indirectly hurting another's is a part of social interaction. What's the sense of stifling it? It's part of the growing process.
As a Facebook fiend, I must say, this list is fabulous. Thank you for covering the nuances between a private message and a wall post. I'll never understand why some friends of mine insist on responding to my private messages via my wall. Le sigh.
I think less is more on facebook. Not too many pictures, not too many status updates. It just seems like people who do that are just trying to show off their lives like look at me, look what i did last night, Im so cool! It's like they just want approval from other people that they are cool and there lives are interesting, hence the "like" button!
I have an additional rule. How about not posting photos of every single party or event you attend? Particularly, when you already have 300 other photos that look identical. "I know, this time do 'kissy face' and now 'pout' and now 'surprised.'" When it gets to that point, just leave the camera at home!
If you're in a long term relationship and your guy posts his status as "single" - WATCH OUT! He is not being honest to you or the facebook world...Why do men seem to need the attention and the ego boost of leading a second dishonest life???
get a real life and talk to people in person instead of via the internet.
I know ALOT of people who break every single one of those rules. My at the time boyfriend's ex's would add me, and make random comments on pictures, and there status would say things toward me. It got worse when we broke up. So I knew she was stalking me, because I had never had a conversation with the girl. And I agree with Elizabeth, it's easier to just go ahead a de-friend an ex, than have to see his new girls all over his page. Facebook is abused, and used as nothing more than a stalking tool for people who have nothing better to do, hence the reason I deleted mine.
Why is everyone so concerned about "stalkers"? I find that at least 75% of the time a female says she has a Facebook "stalker" it was just someone trying to be nice and check in, like leaving a completely innocent comment on her status update, like "how have you been?" Isn't that why Facebook gives you the option to comment? It's quite ridiculous. Yes, online stalkers suck. But ladies come on, do you really perceive yourself so important that any male who speaks to you has an obsession with you? Jeez.
I have very mixed feelings about facebook. I'm no longer a member to the stie due to stalker issues. But my spouse is. I think it has the power to destroy a relationship if you go down the wrong roads with it. And if you meet up with old friends of the opposite sex it should be respected that you are a family person now. I had a few old friends who couldn't get through their heads I wasn't the party teen no more. I was a married mom. And I feel disprespected at times not from my hubbys actions but for the actions of some of his old friends and some of the new ones. IF you are a real friend you wouldn't say anything that could hurt the other persons spouse.
Family members you find are the most, nosiest of all. Just like real life they like to create a situation, to control a wall. If you have fun, and keep it at that you should not have problems. I call it a class reunion on line.
Love this, Tom. According to this very useful list I have been borderline-guilty of slandering an ex on Facebook...oops.
I'll 'fess up to two faux pas - When my hubby and I split, some of our friends (including HIS sister) found out via Facebook. Looking back, not the coolest way to go.
Also - I sent a friend request to a friend of a friend because I thought he was kinda cute....a little stalker-eque, yes, BUT we're in a relationship now so it was totally worth it.... ;)
I think facebook is for finding lost friends, reuniting, whatever....however I agree with these rules...come on its not myspace, afterall.
Cloaked in the anonymity of a computer screen, some people feel invulnerable. They do and say things they'd never do in person or in "real life.' Alas, the consequences DO last. I always caution people to think before they pick up pen, or keyboard. When you "spit" you can't pick it up again!
OKay, but what is protocol on defriending? And what if some random person from high school friends you. You know them, but adding them as a friend only means they can internet stalk you. Do you accept them then secretly reject them?
Is that okay?
Also, my sister's friend keeps adding me as a friend. I ignore her, but she keeps ASKING. I don't know the girl. At all. She needs to stop.
Try this: thank your sister's friend for her offer and tell her you don't add acquaintances or people you don't know until/unless they become friends.
I added a young man who said he was interested in education and then, he started putting moves on me and asked about my marital status (I'm a gramma -- he was, like, 24). I de-friended him immediately. And I tell people I don't know who try to add me that I had a bad experience and so [see above].
Good luck! :)
