Mark Teixeira (pronounced Tuh-Share-Uh) is one of the newest members of the New York Yankees. If you know baseball or sports or New York or America or news in general, you'll know that the Yankees are big spenders. In signing 3 players this offseason (CC Sabathia, Teixeira and A.J. Burnett) the Yankees are on the hook $423 million over the next 8 years. Mark Teixeira's portion of this dough is $180,000,000 (the zeros are for emphasis) over 8 years. Tex, as the kids call him because his name is virtually unpronounceable, will be 29 in the spring and is widely considered one of the best first basemen in baseball. He's a slick fielder and hits for power (that's what she said?). He's also a switch-hitter, which means something differently than it’s general connotation on this site. In baseball parlance, it means he has sex with men or women. That's not what it means. It means he bats left-handed when facing right-handed pitchers and vice versa. The ball naturally 'breaks' (moves) in the direction of handedness when thrown. So it's easier to hit a pitch that's naturally moving towards you. Don't let this heterogenous explanation of baseball make you think we feel one way or the other about what's 'natural' or 'unnatural' in terms of human sexual tendencies, because, we assure you, sex and baseball are 2 totally separate things.
Being a responsible 29-year old, Big Tex (he weighs 230 pounds, ya'll) consulted with wife Leigh Teixeira when choosing which team had the right to pay him in excess of $20 million per annum. And according to Yahoo!, the slugger's wife (also the title of an underrated film starring the guy that played Danny Noonan in Caddy Shack) wanted him to wear Yankee pinstripes. As they discussed where to move (NY, Boston or Baltimore) the lady of the house finally said, "I want you to be a Yankee." And, as a dutiful husband, he acquiesced.
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Now, in addition to the A-Rod – Madonna saga, Derek Jeter's handsomeness/ swordsmanship and the ongoing-Steinbrenner family soap opera, Yankees fans will have to endure the idea that they're new first baseman, in addition to being a bit of a nerd (he went to Georgia Tech and likes Twisted Sister, case closed), let's his wife pick which team he plays for. We can just hear the Red Sox fans now, "Hey Teixeira, can you come up to bat or do you have to ask your wife first?" Followed by, "Good one, Murph." Hope all of the great shopping and nightlife and culture and easy travel to anywhere in the world and glamour and media exposure and endorsements and access to celebrities and marital harmony is worth not living in Boston or Baltimore.
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We just hope, for the Teixeiras' sake, that Tex gets off to a good start. The New York media and fans are notorious reticent to give high-paid stars much of a grace period. We suppose a loving (not hen-pecking, Murph) wife and $180 million may make it easier to block out the boo-birds.