According to a story in today's Channelnewsasia.com, a 47-year-old Australian engineer named Satish Narayan awoke on December 8 to a warm feeling in his trousers that could be attributed to none of the usual or fun activities typically associated with the marital bed.
Rather, the warmth he experienced was a literal case of pants of fire.
His wife, Rajini Narayan, who appeared in court today on murder charges, allegedly doused his genitals with methylated spirits and set them on fire because she believed he was cheating on her.
Prosecutors say she wanted to burn her 47-year-old husband's penis "so it belongs to me and no one else."
But it turns out that there's nothing much left for Rajini Narayan, 44, to claim after her dramatic attempt at exerting ownership.
The fire in her husband's nether regions spread quickly when he jumped out of bed and knocked over the bottle of methylated spirits. The house and a neighboring property sustained $700,000 in damages. Satish Narayan faired far worse, eventually dying in a hospital last week.
"It's just his penis I wanted to burn, I didn't mean this to happen," said Rajini Narayan.
For obvious reasons, she has been remanded in custody until January 10, pending the results of a psychological assessment.
Now just a few parting words to those of you who might look to Rajini Narayan as a role model for how to deal with one's own unfaithful partner.
1. Attempting to illustrate that someone is a cheater or liar by literally setting his pants on fire may seem like a great act of poetic justice, but it really just makes you look crazy.
2. If you want things to work out, this is not the way to do it. Burning a man's penis will most likely not result in him being more faithful to you. And even if it did, you'd then be stuck with a guy who has no penis.
3. Bed sheets and fire do not go together. Did The Burning Bed teach us nothing? Please, friends, keep the heat in the bedroom and the fire on the stove.