Are Fuck Buddies Keeping You Single

Are Fuck Buddies Keeping You Single

Are Fuck Buddies Keeping You Single

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Are Fuck Buddies Keeping You Single

READ THE COMMENTS POSTED IN RESPONSE TO THIS COLUMN HERE: http://moxieblog.typepad.com/moxieblog/2009/12/one-step-forward-two-steps-back.html

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I mean,
first things first -- would you expect details and truth to come forth
in heaps from another fuck
buddy? I certainly don't. Dudes that I'm
just fucking, I make it very clear, I don't want to know or learn too
much about you. Verify that you're single and let's keep it physical.
Period.- Jami


 

And how does one verify such a thing?

The
fact is, you can never verify if a fuck buddy is single. The idea that
you think you can brings me to my main point. You think you have all
this control in this dynamic...but you don't. You actually have very
little. And by "you" I mean "women."

That's the thing about Fuck
Buddy relationships that, ultimately, make them frustrating. The lack
of control.  Yes, the idea of great sex is certainly appealing. And I
most definitely fall prey to giving in to my more primal urges.  And I
tell myself I'm "okay" with being the "extra" or "just for sex." As
long as I don't think about it too deeply, I am. But when I sit and
really examine the situation, as I did yesterday after Tad's little tale of someone he's newly dating being robbed, bound and gagged,
I feel really..disappointed in myself. It's what has kept me from going
out with the 28 year old from the super market. It's this idea that I'm
allowing these men to believe they are getting over on me. That I
willingly give up my control in the situation, while telling myself I
don't mind, just for sex. That's what unsettles me about these
relationships.

That I lie to myself.

I guess what I'm
asking is....is getting laid so important that you relinquish the
majority of your control and self-esteem? Yes, your self-esteem. Does
that mean I have some kind of tunnel vision when it comes to this
topic? Probably. Yes, I guess so. Maybe it doesn't affect others the
same. But for those who say it doesn't, I wonder if they're either
lying to themselves or are so numb to all of it that they don't even
know how it's affecting them. Or that they seek these relationships
because they are safe and contained. I can say, honestly, that I think
all three of these options have applied to me. Sorry, but I'm calling
bullshit on anyone who says that they've never experienced or wondered
any of this while engaging in a no strings relationship. Yes, I think
it's delusional to believe these relationships are mutually beneficial.
They just aren't most of the time. At least not for women. Women find a
great lover and we hold on to them because we know their value. The
idea of going on some sexual safari just to find one guy who isn't
crazy, isn't taken, is well endowed (another reason why this search
becomes tricky) and who gets us off is exhausting and a tad scary. 
Sorry, call me whatever you like, but risking an STD and being beaten
to death, stalked or harassed just to get off just does not appeal to
me. Guys? They'll just go have sex. Good sex to them is different than
good sex to us. They're pretty easy to please and often times don't
consider the repercussions (unless the woman is clearly bat shit
crazy). Women...we're a little more...high maintenance in that area.

There's
another point that confuses me. Is the sex worth suspending your
disbelief and common sense? Because..people lie. We all do it. And
we're more likely to do it to someone we don't care about or to which
we feel obligated.

It is my belief that when a woman decides she really wants to have a serious
relationship with someone, it is never in her best interest to engage in random
sexual relationships whether it be with a FWB or FB or whatever.  Once you have
moved on to a point in your life where you want someone to share your life with
engaging in the other behavior only works to chip away at that special part
inside yourself that will leave you feeling more than empty.  - Erin

And
here's where I'm at. Torn between feeling like I "deserve" sexual
satisfaction and worrying that casual sex will only serve to keep me
further from what I ultimately want - a committed relationship. I don't
have an issue with going with out. I've had long, long dry spells. I
don't feel Like I "need" to get laid. But I do "need" that affection
and contact. That really was the only reason i kept things up with Tad
for as long as I did. We haven't had actual intercourse in months. And
that never bothered me, because the affection and the comfort part was
what I really wanted anyway.

Just so we're clear...I don't have
an issue with casual sex. I just think it involves being really, really
cognizant of the reality of what that type of dynamic entails.

Maybe
I've just picked the wrong lovers. Maybe everyone else who has these
types of relationships know something I don't. Maybe other people know
how to shut off the emotions and the questions and the suspicions.

Maybe it's me.

READ THE COMMENTS POSTED IN RESPONSE TO THIS COLUMN HERE: http://moxieblog.typepad.com/moxieblog/2009/12/one-step-forward-two-steps-back.html

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER: http://twitter.com/Moxieinthecity

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