Because we're judging you by every word you write.
At the beginning of the month, blogger Lauren Leto wrote up a hilarious list of stereotypes, based upon the authors people most love to read. And we found that, among other things, we are apparently "girls who didn't get enough drama when [we] were younger" (Jeffrey Eugenides), "doctors who went to third-tier medical schools" (Michael Crichton), "Foo Fighters' fans" (Bret Easton Ellis), "women who liked the movie Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood but didn’t read the book" (Elizabeth Gilbert), and "11th graders who peed their pants while watching the movie It" (Stephen King and come on, It was scary).
It's insulting, but we can't help nodding our heads and chortling because—you know what?—we judge others based on their writing abilities and book choices as well, especially when we're considering spending a lot of quality time with them in the future.
Some prosal faux pas to avoid when it comes to the literal language of love?
When putting together your online dating profile, don't list Catcher in the Rye as your favorite book. As much as we've always loved that book, we'll just assume you haven't read anything new since high school. And people who don't read for pleasure make us nervous. And speaking of your profile, we appreciate a cute or clever user name, but we could do without handles that refer to your sexxxiness, or how well-endowed you are. Too much too soon, and it gives off the impression that you only have one thing on your mind. Fill your profile with contemporary literature, smart film, and delightful-sounding hobbies, and we'll be intrigued. Hobbies that don't count: "girls," "working out," and "my pecs." 5 Online Dating Red Flags Women Look For
Next, when sending us an introductory message, put in a bit of effort. Refer to the things we have in common, rather than that thing we obviously don't: our boobs. We're so much more than our looks! Something else that won't work: "We should date." Seriously. We've received this one. Talk about presumptuous. And, for the love of god, don't use "you're" when you mean "your." It drives us crazy. Ca-raaazy.
OK. Our e-relationship is in full swing. It's too soon to determine whether or not you're a psychopath (or perhaps even a serial killer) and, thus, too soon to give you our phone number, or meet you in person. Your only means of wooing us at this point is with words. Ask us more about ourselves. Show an interest in the things we do. Make us laugh. Try to avoid talking about your exes, or initiating cyber sex (again, too soon, unless we just made casual mention of our new push-up bra). Make love to our minds with well-crafted, well-written, and charming-as-all-get-out e-mail missives. Does Your Email Sign-Off Send Dates Running?
Once our relationship begins sizzling IRL, don't turn off the (carefully-crafted) charm. We still appreciate the quasi-regular, cute e-mail, or the text message that lets us know you're thinking of us. Sometimes, if a message really gives us the warm fuzzies, we even save it for all of posterity. (We still have a box of old, carefully-folded love notes from our junior high paramour.) 4 Ways Text Messaging Changed Dating
For bonus points, keep a well-stocked bookshelf. We might need to borrow some of your Tim O'Brien, Bret Easton Ellis, and Tim Robbins. And, we know it sounds dorky but, sometimes, spending a cozy, quiet afternoon reading together makes us feel oh so content, and thrilled we found you.