So, I guess I could blame my parents...Their marriage was doomed from the get go. I could blame it on my friends from high school...their dating drama was irritating. I could blame it on my schedule...too busy to date. And I could blame it on my kids. That's right. I said MY kids. How in the world, you ask, if I can only count 3 total dates I've been on, how do I have kids? Well, here's the long version of a long story short. Wait. Vice versa that. My two beautiful babies are the product of a young marriage gone awry.
You see, my home life growing up, not so great. My parents finally separated when I was a sophomore in high school, and my mother incurred serious injuries the summer of my junior year that left me and my brother to help take care of her and my younger sister. We had very little income, and what I earned at my part time job went to pay bills.
I had fun here and there and I loved my job working at a the local movie theatre. To be honest, my job was my outlet for all the stress in my life. Watching my mother go through her battles with divorce, 3 teenage kids, and injuries that left her unable to work, I vowed I would never let my life lead me down the same road. Funny how life can throw your words back in your face at the most inopportune time.
I met my soon to be ex-husband the day after high school graduation at work. It was his first day on the job, and my first day of my new, single life. Well, the first part of that last sentence is right! We formed a fast friendship that quickly turned into more. We never had a first date, just hung out with others and then eventually it boiled down to it being just us. I think the fact that we both were not happy living at home made us desperate to get out. I came across an opportunity to move up into management with the movie theater, but it was in another state.
Long story short, we each got a job there, and moved thousands of miles away from our families. 6 months in, we found ourselves about to become parents, and we weren't out of our teens yet. Scared to death, we moved back home and started our married life and new family. Years of struggling financially, taking care of babies and not taking time to spend together, left us growing apart.
Now, I find myself 27, a single mom of two, and scared to death about the whole dating thing. My job puts me in the public spotlight almost on a weekly basis where I meet a lot of people, including single guys. I have turned down more dates than I can count on my fingers and toes, and why? I'm terrified! First off, I over analyze things, secondly I have issues with intimate settings, and thirdly, I'm not a piece of meat.
If there is one thing I can spot a mile away, it's that hungry look a guy can get when he only wants one thing. I'm not into one night stands, or causual sex. That's leads to too many complications, and unforseen consequences. Besides, I only want to share that part of me with someone who is here to stay.
That leads me to my next thought...A guy here to stay. I don't like the thought of that, but then again I do. The best way I can sum that up: I love being lonesome, but I don't like being lonely. I like this new found freedom of it being me, doing what I want and not having to answer to someone. But then there's this other part of me that wishes there was someone sitting on the couch waiting for me to get home.
I am a jumble of emotions and feelings that seem to conflict with each other on a daily basis. And being female, where I seem to constantly change my mind doesn't help much either. I keep my emotions and feelings to myself and in check as much as possible. I don't like to reveal my true self to many people for fear of let down. That's why dating is so frightening to me. You have to reveal parts of yourself to a stranger, one date at a time. I know they don't need to know my whole life story during dinner, but when you're as complicated as I am, sometimes the overwhelming urge to spill more than I want shows up and I fear revealing too much too soon.
I know the only thing to fear is fear itself. That's why I have decided I'm going to accept more dates from here on out. (Wow. My heart rate just increased with the typing of that last sentence!) I need to get over myself, and just take that plunge...right?