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Community Blog: A Social Misfit's Addiction To Love


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Firstly, I don't classify myself under any particular social stereotype (i.e. emo, goth etc...). I'm not different because I want to deliberately distinguish myself from others. I'm different because of who I am and the trouble is, who I am seems to be incompatible with the accepted norm.

Internally, I'm very serious. I laugh only a little, and look at most situations from an unemotional, analytical perspective. I feel nothing when I interact with others, whether they are people whom I've just met or people whom I've known for a long time. Irrespective of whether they are people whom others find creepy or people whom are well liked by all, if I talk to them I get no feeling whatsoever.

If I go to a party and everyone around me is laughing, I feel absolutely nothing. I've perfected a fake laugh which seems to convince people that I think they're funny. Inside, all I think is "oh ... right ... fair enough." I come away from social situations feeling absolutely nothing and thinking to myself "well, I didn't learn much there."

I've created a persona for dealing with others which works to a point. When I wear it, I'm a nice friendly guy who can crack the odd joke, has people crack jokes at his expense and is usually fairly quiet in social situations. This persona enables me to deal with others in such a manner as to not be offensive. Wearing this persona, I've managed to function among others and obtain promotions at work into positions of leadership.

I don't mind all this. In most respects I'm more than happy to live a life of solitude doing my own things. Indeed, when I was growing up I used to look forward to my family going out so I could be alone. I go out every now and then to fulfill my social duty but there is no pleasure involved and I generally leave early so I can be by myself once more.

The real problem comes with love. There is a separate side to me, let's call it my "emotional subconscious," which seems to possess a one-way connection to my intellect. This part plays no other role in my life except to determine which women I fall for. I say the connection is one-way because my intellect, that part of me that dominates my life, cannot talk back to my emotional subconscious. If it could, it would tell it to shut up!!!

When I fall for someone, ostensibly the sense of attraction is pretty much the same as most people get. I want to be with the woman in question all the time. I can't stop thinking about the her and if she goes away for any period of time, I miss her intensely and count down the hours until she returns. However, for me, i'ts more about fulfilling a craving. If she is not around, I feel this sense of emptiness and sadness. However, when she is present, the emptiness disappears but there is no happiness or joy. I'd do absolutely anything for her but making her happy still doesn't make me happy. It's just a means of fulfilling a craving.

It's a bit like being a crack addict. I'm told the first time someone trys crack or some other addictive drug, the drug has a strong effect. As they continue to use, it has less and less effect until all they are doing is fulfilling a strong craving in order to try and maintain a sense of normality. For me, the experience is like that of an addict who's been on drugs for a lengthy period of time and now is satisfying a craving for no emotional or sensual pleasure.

Of course, the feeling of attraction is completely one-sided—the "love" (if that's what it is—I'm not sure) is never returned. This leads to months of what can only be described as absolute hell. To make it worse, I generally get to be an onlooker as others easily extract the looks and emotions from my "beloved" that I'd die to have directed at me. On the outside, I wear my persona and nobody knows. On the inside, my bones ache and I sink further into the dark abyss of unrequited love. All this leads to chronic depression about a situation which I have no clue how to resolve.

The commonly stated cure for such a predicament would be to ask out the lady in question. Well I can tell you now that this doesn't work. I don't do social situations very well. My persona works best whilst among groups of people that I know. Outside of this it fails and I end up being myself which is apparently completely unattractive as there has never been a second date.

If it weren't for love, my life would be quite pleasant.

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