Ever Feel Like Just Another Girlfriend?
Combat feeling intimidated by your partner's relationship experience.
My boyfriend is 10 years older than me. We're in love and it's awesome. There are many, many perks to dating a dude who is older, some of which you can read here. But there's one tiny downfall, at least for me. In his 40 years on earth, my devastatingly handsome boyfriend has had more than his share of girlfriends and has been in love a handful of times. This is probably totally normal and not a cause for, uh, concern for most 30-year-old women, who have likely had many relationships in their lives too. Unfortunately, I haven't and his vast relationship experience makes me feel like I'm somehow not as special as I'd like to be. The Frisky: Factors In Making Love Last (Or Not)
I have had one real boyfriend—my former fiancé. I was a late bloomer sexually and didn't have my first kiss until I was 18 and lost my virginity just a few weeks shy of my 21st birthday. But I was even more "behind" in the relationship department—I didn't meet my fiancé until I was 24. Before him, I dated a guy sophomore year of college for, like, a month and then had a nine-month-long, friends-with-benefits situation with the guy I've thought of as my first love, but neither of those were actually relationships with, you know, boyfriend/girlfriend labels. After moving to New York, I had my fair share of hookups and dates, but nothing developed into anything even remotely lasting, unless you count the week-long affair with that guy with the big balls, which I do not. Then I met my ex, we started dating, and before I could even blink, we were together, for reals, and in love. Fast-forward four months and we were living together. Another three years and eight months and we were engaged. Nine months after that it was over. This paragraph covers the extent of my romantic entanglements, "crushes on people who were not interested in me that way" not included. The Frisky: Does Hooking Up Make Us Lonely?
So the new BF is special, very special to me. I'm in love, I'm having a blast, and I'm happy. My second boyfriend ever, hooray! Sometimes, however, when the BF and I are chatting and he makes a reference to an ex, I get a little insecure that I actually have to ask "which one?" so I know who he's talking about. Was that the college girlfriend? What about the most recent ex? Or the ex-wife? Or the ex from 10 years ago with whom I share a mutual friend? The Frisky: Dear Wendy: Finding Better Relationships With Positive Thinking
Then I start thinking, Did he love her too? Did he tell her he loved her? Did she love him back? How long did they date? A year—oh man, that's four times as long as us—did he love her four times more? Why did they break up? Does he miss her? If she came crawling back, begging for another shot, would he give it to her?
I didn't say these were particularly rational insecurities. The Frisky: MERRIMe, A New Web Comedy About Online Dating
More on relationships from The Frisky:
totally, i couldve written same thing..its been over 2 years and i feel my 42 year old bf no longer wants to be w someone who is 25 and i question what happened why but its worse when u date a 41 workaholic who is distant and isolated as hell to begin with. sucks bc i have put 2 years into really liking him and wanting to make him not so isolated - at least from me,,,,just like 2 steps forward, 5 steps back and then some :(
I totally relate to this story!!!! I am seeing this guy who I just met. He too has had many relationships that have lasted ,and have not. He has tolled me he has let them go or visaversa for this or that. mainly he said "Redflags" My problem is I HAVE NEVER been insecure, I am positive and fun. I am always being optimistic about everything in life. Yet I feel less with this guy even tho I know HE is the one for me, I love him I really do. I adore him. And like this author I don't want to be "Just another girl in his life" I am not being negative, really ,but I don't like this feelings. and I for sure am not aboout to be someones fool ... I don't care how much I feel for this guy.... I just wish I didnt feel like this..... So Frisky.... You are not the only one who feels this way... I too feel like this....
I'm afraid my reaction is that the author has some cause for concern.
I don't believe for a minute that he's about to go back to one of his exes.
On the other hand, I think he may actually put less value on the relationship than she does. As she says, he's been in love before and it's never worked out. He could have a different attitude towards being in love than she does. I am also cynical enough to wonder if there's a reason he hasn't been able to make his relationships last. Rather than worrying, maybe the author should talk to him and find out what he thinks he did wrong in the past and how he has changed. She could also ask him what he believes about love and relationships. If he has become jaded and thinks love never lasts, people change, etc., she might want to look elsewhere.
I don't think the author should feel insecure about her lack of relationship experience, though. She takes love seriously and tries to work things out. That's something to be proud of.
I can't say for sure about the guy since she really hasn't known him for too long, but its possible that, just like she has realized that her one relationship before him was right for that time but not right for this time, her new beau may have had similar circumstances....he just persued more long term relationships than she did.
To me, the author seems to be be too afraid to really dive into a relationship. Sure, she is absolutely diving in to this one, and its great that she is hashing out these insecurities because they will only sabotage the relationship later on if left unchecked. But she has had numerous trysts and very little actual relationship time to have gained experience from.
I know it can be...daunting...being with someone who has had numerous partners, and I would say that some of them are jaded about love and relationships. They usually don't speak fondly about their exes though. I'm guessing the author's man isn't holding a grudge against his exesm or else the author would have probably put that in there.
He may be calmer about the process of falling in love, because he knows the lay of the land and he knows how things go as the relationship gets longer. Its not to say every relationship is the same, not by any means, but he has a greater understanding of where is emotions come from and how he will react.
But I do agree, the author really shouldn't feel insecure about her lack of experience. She is doing the right thing already!
The thing that strikes me is that they haven't been together that long, only about four months. So yes, a guy who has had long-term relationships and even been married, might not be as serious about it as she is.
I think some of what she is calling her insecurity is her gut telling her something. I wouldn't suggest that the doesn't love her or anything, just that it really could be true that she values the relationship more than he does.
In any case, the solution isn't to worry to death. Talk to him. Not saying I'm worried I love you more than you love me or anything, just finding out what he thinks about love and relationships in general.
