See it Before You Can Be It


Most of us dream about a vague fantasy partner without having a clue about how we want to feel when we're with them. We dont have a clue about our relationship "MUST HAVES" and "DON"T WANTS." We might not own up to our values. We may have left over emotional baggage that needs packing up and shipping out. Maybe that and doing the same unconscious things over and over while expecting a different result--the very definition of craziness-- is the reason why your relationships fail.

You probably put more energy into making a shopping list than beomg clear about what you want from your next relationship .We allow others to choose us randomly, and when inevitably, that person turns out to be less that perfect, we set out to change them to fit our vague fantasy. In short, we end up disappointed.


One of my clients, an attractive, successful professional in her 30's, was unhappy with her past relationship choices. Together, we explored her relationship history, identified past patterns, and she practiced exercises each session that made her really imagine, think and acknowledge her true needs and desires.
She discovered she was kidding herself or rationalizing when she didn't look at major red flags that presented themselves on the rocky roads of her past relationships When the honeymoon phases of dating was over, she tried to change her partners instead of leaving and moving on. She didn't like this self-discovery. But she decided to face facts, stop trying to change her partners, and work on changing herself.

She didn't meet Mr. Right right away. But after 6 months of dating and coaching, and learning how to disengage quickly from people who weren't for her, enjoyed just being with friends, and detached from fears that she might wind up alone. That's when she met her soul mate who she is with today--over a year later.

She allowed him to show up in her life by setting her intention to make some changes, using vision work, meditiation, thought provoking homework exercises, and getting support from an experienced coach to make it all come together for her. She became happy with herself just as she was, and got rid of some old habits. She learned to let go of perfectionism and just enjoyed her life. And while she was relaxing and enjoying her new outlook, her soulmate appeared.

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Deborah Bindler

Counselor/TherapistDeborah Bindler, LCSW Life Choices Coaching & Psychotherapy
Location: Chicago, IL
Credentials: CRC, LCSW
Specialties: Life Management
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