I don't want to be in my marriage anymore. I count down the days until I am out of school and can afford our house without him. I'm not loosing my house. My kids love it here. I love it here. I will suffer through another 5 years if it means I get to keep this house and stability for my children. I hate my husband. I used to love him so much. But he's mean and heartless and empty. I don't know where he went. I have fought and fought to save our marriage, to make him happy. I've tried so many different approaches. I've given everything. But he gives nothing but rude remarks and emotional abuse. He says he loves me and wants to be married, but we both know it isn't true. You don't treat people you love this poorly. I'm done. I want out. I have just a shred of me that still wants to be married to him, a shred of hope. And I'm doing my best to hold onto that tiny shred. But it won't last much longer. I used to see the good in him. I can't anymore. I don't know if there is, or if there ever was. I'm starting to think all our good times was a lie. A fake. Him faking. There's no other explaination. He's even smoking again. We had a deal, a promise to each other. I would give up my apartment that I loved and my children loved and were used to in order to buy a house with him if he quit smoking. There was no way we were going to be able to afford his habit and a mortgage. And his mom wanted him to quit to so she made a deal that she would give us half our down payment if he would quit. So he did. For 2 months. Then lied for another 2 months. I just found out. I am so angry. This is what he does. He makes these deals and promises to get what he wants and then just breaks them when he wants. He doesn't get it. He doesn't understand how life really works or how to treat others. He's simply not a good person. But one day, one wonderful day, I will serve him with divorce papers. Although it will hurt me to do so because a part of me will always love him, I will be strong enough to do so because I will know happiness is almost in my reach. I will be happy once again. Until that day comes I will smile, I will take many deep breaths, and I will continue to wait for that day.
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