To Snoop Or Not To Snoop?

Dr. Ian Kerner, Ph.D., couples counselor and the author of She Comes First (among other books), says that sometimes a person is left with no choice but to snoop. "In a committed relationship, I don't think there should be anything to hide," he says. "I'm not saying you shouldn't have a degree of privacy, like your own bank account, but when it comes to the important stuff, secrets damage relationships."

Nor does he feel that you should apologize for peeking. "I don't think you should be embarrassed about following your gut and finding something—that means you weren't paranoid, you were on track."

But what about when you don't find something? For example, my friend Linda secretly read every single one of her boyfriend's journals, going back years before they got together. She wasn't looking for evidence of wrongdoing; she was just being nosy. "If you snooped and don't find anything, you should ask yourself—are you jealous? Are you paranoid? There's a lesson to be learned there as well."

Kerner feels that a certain amount of snooping—or verification—can actually help a relationship. "Sometimes what gets discovered is more of an emotional infidelity," he says. "For example, you snoop and find out he has a flirtatious relationship with a coworker. That betrayal is less of a clear sexual betrayal and that's an opportunity to create clearer boundaries."

Which, I supposed, can keep an affair from becoming physical in the first place? "Exactly," he affirms. "An emotional affair can get out of control—or it can be nipped in the bud."

Written by Judy McGuire for The Frisky.