What They Don't Tell You About Moving In Together
It sounds like a good idea, but the red eye to heartbreak is fueled with sweet nothings.
There are only two reasons why I'd move in and live with another girlfriend. We're married and determined to fill a sweatshop with our nimble-fingered love critters. Or she cracks me in the head with a shovel, sews my mouth shut, replaces my eyeballs with marbles, and sits my stuffed body in the corner. Whatever you do, don't move in with your boyfriend. What? It's too late? Sweet Zeus, Odin, and Quetzalcoatl, winged serpent god of the Aztecs! I hope your cohabitation doesn't end the way two (two!) of mine did – with helicopters launching off the roof amidst tornadoes of debris and smoke, a single individual hanging off the skids, flipping the bird to the person whose name is on the lease. The Frisky: Girl Talk: Is It Bad To Live Together Before Marriage?
There are plenty of good reasons to move in with your significant other. For a man, the primary benefit is that the place where he lives suddenly smells great, like lilacs, and fresh meadows and Care Bear farts. Curtains magically appear, throw rugs sprout, and bed linens are soft enough to butter muffins with. I'm sure there are plenty of men out there with stylishly furnished apartments and houses, but I'm missing that chromosome. To me, "Ikea" is just Swedish for "International House of Tiny Meatballs." I could make a fortune if I opened a store for bachelors called "Foam Block Depot," where a single man could purchase all kinds of large-, medium-, and small-sized foam blocks that he could stack into couches, beds, tables and chairs. Spill-proof, soft yet firm, and totally utilitarian – they'd come in two colors, "industrial" and "medium-rare." The Frisky: Three Questions To Ask Yourself Before Moving In Together
Another positive reason to move in with the girlfriend is that it allows both parties to sample domestic bliss. In both instances of living with a girlfriend, I was surprised at how pleasurable it was to get home from work before her and to start making her favorite dinner. Or how Sunday mornings were easy, just like the song. There was even a Zen-like comfort in tackling chores together – I'd take out the trash; she'd do the dishes; we'd both read trashy horror novels while we did our laundry. But this seemingly mature merger of two adults in love was illusory, as I was out of my depths. In both instances, I made a major commitment without seriously considering the responsibilities. The Frisky: Dating Don'ts: How Not To Move In Together
I have moved in with girlfriends, and we've both kidded ourselves that it was to save money, that our marriage playacting was a smart financial move—it wasn't and isn't. This is probably one of the worst lies couples tell themselves when shacking up. If you want to save money, get a roommate. Bind yourself to a lease with someone you aren't emotionally bound to, as money is a landmine in the intoxicating poppy field of romance. The saving money rationale is a smokescreen obscuring what was probably an impulsive decision made while freebasing love, pheromones, and giddy optimism. And speaking of those three: living together is the fastest way to go from Friday-night sex to Friday-night carbo loading. The Frisky: MERRIme, A Web Comedy About Online Dating
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Discussion
I absolutely support moving in with your partner before marriage. I couldn't imagine a life without it really. Understand that you should really be certain this is a relationship you see working out long into the future--don't go home with him the night you meet him and just never leave. I believe you should really take the time to get to know him as well as you can without living together, and then when you're comfortable, do it! how will you ever know if you don't try it? I know people change after marriage, but I think living with someone day to day is the best assurance you can give yourself that you will be compatible with this person. By the time you decide whether or not to get married FOR LIFE, you will know how to tackle the chores, keep the fridge full, balance the budget, make the bed! If you're left to find out you just fundamentally disagree on these things or how to do them AFTER you marry, i think you'll expel alot of extra energy and stress because you're newly married, with a s**t ton of stuff to figure out. i dont know about you but i want to be HAPPILY married. i want to take the time to figure out all the technical stuff and how we get along first, to ensure a happy marriage afterwords. i just think its a practical, safe testing ground for women and men to get some good experience in living with the opposite sex and your partner as an individual and test it all out before you're locked in.
I have to say this article reminded me of the wonderful job my mother did teaching me what to expect from myself and from a partner, and reminded me of why i felt secure with moving in with my boyfriend.
When i moved in with my boyfriend (unofficially) we had only really been dating for 3 months. But we had been spending a lot of time together anyways. We both fell hard and fast, together, which was new to me. After that i officially took my name of my sister's lease and moved in with him. Things went really smoothly still. About 5 months later we then moved into our first place together, and things have been really good.
My mom and a few really good friends pulled me aside before the official move in and asked me why i thought that WE would work when so many others have not. And I told them that I wouldn't consider moving in with someone without considering being with them for life. There would be no way I could be comfortable putting that much commitment into a relationship without putting it ALL in. Some friends looked at me like I was crazy, but things have gone well from the start. We work.
So i wanted to say thank you. You reminded me of how much I needed to consider before moving in together and how happy i am with that decision, and how much people don't consider. You are very right.
I can relate 100%. I currently live with my boyfriend and let me tell you it isn't a bunch of roses. He is a guy, he is lazy , he barely notices that their are things to do. Ok great he washes the dishes and takes the garbage out, but thats it. I wish he was a more hands on type of guy that wants to fix things in the apartment. This coming December makes a year we have lived together. I honestly say that living together makes you realize if this person is for you. I wouldn't want to get married then realize that my man habits are beyond anything I have ever seen. My experience with cohabitation as made me realize that I don't want to get married to this man and that though I love him we are very different and it's only a matter of time before we realize that it will not work.
I can see why the author is arguing against moving in. There is a lot of stuff that I think might have broken my husband and I apart had we moved in before we were married. After we were marriage there was that safety net of commitment keeping us together and making us work through stuff. But I also don't know if we would have broken up forever because of those things, so I am neutral. Not living together worked for me, but these other commenters said they needed to live together. So, I say, do what makes you feel comfortable.
I been living with mine for almost a year, never believed in sex before marriage but now that I'm all jacked up with that one, I'm living with him and I'm learning how to be around him and he around me. We are learning great techniques for dealing with problems and I'm looking at what I can handle and what I cannot handle, once you are married you have no choice out, With my husband, I married him and he was beating me the next day, verbally and physically, I had no idea we had dated for two years and he was charming, so I don't know what to think. I stayed married for 8 more years, but the first year was the worse because we did not know how to live together.
Tenacity I am happy you are no longer with that person. I wish you luck with your current relationship.
I probably wouldn't have gotten married if I had moved in with my ex husband! I was in college and he was in the military. Little did I know he was a major alcoholic and mentally and verbally abusive!
Definitely try the proverbial shoe on before you buy it!
I would never have gotten married if I hadn't lived with my husband first. I needed to do it to build my trust of him.
I think it is a good idea to see if you are compatible before you get married. As painful as breaking up and splitting the lease is, divorce has to be worse. If you're afraid to live together, are you ready for marriage?
I wouldn't tell people they have to live together before marriage. There's more than one way to do this. Living together worked out well for me.
