There are many different kinds of “Crushes” that human beings are capable of experiencing. A crush is an affection or slight obsession that one may develop for another person or entity. A Friend Crush is an obsession with a newly acquired friend to the point where your perception of their awesomeness is distorted and unrecognizable to an outside observer. Friend Crushes are more commonly observed in females but are also rampant in the male world, albeit manifesting themselves in slightly different ways.
In the case of females, they will meet someone, perhaps in their yoga class or a bookstore. They talk, exchange details and then add them to their abundant list of Facebook friends. At this point their descent into madness officially begins. If the crush is a girl, they will start to dress like her, talk like her, have the same opinions and even use the same "Oil of Olay moisturizer, with hydra firming cream and anti age smoothing action." If the crush is a guy, she will start to think they have a lot in common, when in reality they match in a similar way to water and electricity. She will tell stories of how awesome he is, when the whole world is firmly aware of his outstandingly flagrant mediocrity. She will say things like,
“Guys you will never believe what Steve did!”
“But that's what Steve does all the time!” The world will reply in confusion. She will exaggerate rudimentary, in some cases involuntary, actions like walking, sleeping, blinking or breathing, and present them to the world as if they require some type of advanced skill that only he possesses.
"Yeah you can come with, but only I get to wear black! You got it?"
For males, Friend Crushes actually form the basis of male social groups until they mature at about age 53. They are the main reason that male social groups tend to be homogeneous. This is most pronounced in college males (age 18-24). The typical college freshman group of Dbags will have one Dbag, who we can refer to as the King Dbag, to which the rest follow and imitate. The King Dbag will undoubtedly be a socialite, popular with the ladies and an athlete or public figure. The rest of the nine guys will have Friend Crushes on the King Dbag and mimic his behavior, style, way of talking and demeanor until a large homogeneous group is formed. The group is then easily identifiable as appropriate to the nature of the King Dbag. That gives rise to all the various named sub groups you find on a college campuses; e.g. The Lacrosse Dbags, The Tennis Dbags, The Choir Dbags, The Save an African Child Dbags, et al.
So next time you see your Friend Crush give them a hug or buy them flowers. Let them know you think they are special and someday you will forge a religion in their honor.
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