I write this brief piece to ensure the longevity and survival of the male gender. If you can figure out the difference between what she says and what she really wants to say, you can SAVE YOURSELF!
What She Says: I like you, but I don't want to ruin our friendship.
What She Means: I am -0.00024% attracted to you. In fact, I actually thought you were gay when you decided to do everything I want and go shopping with me. Your friend is hot though, can you hook a sister up?!
What She Says: Do we really have to go to that bar tonight?
What She Means: I don't wanna go hang out with you and your Dbag friends at the bar again. If I do, I will psychologically torture you and withhold sex from you indefinitely until you get the point.
What She Says: Does my butt look big in this?
What She Means: You have been so into other people's butts lately (no pun intended). Can you look at mine for a second? Only say something nice or I'll put this fork through your eye, I've been practicing.
What She Says: Do you think she's pretty?
What She Means: So if the three of us were the last people on earth and you had to choose one who would it be? Oh, and I have the power to exterminate you if it is not me. No pressure though :-).
What She Says: Its not you, it's me?
What She Means: What I'd really like to do is get a huge blimp that says “ITS DEFINATELY YOU” and fly it around the city or maybe start a website called itsyou.youjackass.com. If you can not see that then it reinforces my conclusion that you are just another clueless dbag.
What She Says: Where have you been?
What She Means: I know exactly where you've been because I bought google's “stalk this” program which uses GPS technology to locate people. I also have access to your text message and phone records! The beeping sound you've been hearing all day is a tracking device with a small explosive built into it. You wanna try and lie about where you've been?
What She Says: Oh, how do you know her?
What She Means: Did you sleep with her? I have my PMS-ready crew of angry women, who don't wanna actually be here right now. They are on standby and ready to jump that biatch in the women's bathroom!
What She Says: Where do you see this going?
What She Means: Dear boy, you have reached the end of your free bootycall monthly trial. To continue bootycalling simply pay $109.99 per month for the 'Girlfriend Package' or $1500 eternally for the 'Premium Wife Package'. (Only credit cards. No money orders. No Nigerians)?
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