With the news that Madonna gives her boytoy Jesus Luz a $10,000 monthly allowance, we got to thinking about which famous people we'd like to keep us on retainer, in exchange for being fabulous arm candy and providing scintillating dinner conversation. Certainly if those not-real housewives of wherever can cut awful singles and swan about doing absolutely nothing, we can do it too.
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George is the ne plus ultra of eligible bachelors. Come on, the man has a palatial estate in Italy! And while he cycles through ladyfriends faster than Olympic runners use up their Nikes, we don't hear any of those lucky ladies complaining. Suffice to say we would be quite happy to attend the odd movie premiere, and we certainly wouldn't wear upholstery while doing so. Bonus: Hanging out with Brad, Matt, and Don. George Clooney Marriage Bet with Michelle Pfeiffer Now at 100,000 Dollars
Gerry has been doing his level best to give George a run for his title these past few months. With hit movies and an alleged Jennifer Aniston romance, he's the hottest thing with an accent these days, and it appears the man is enjoying the hell out of being rich, famous, and handsome. (Are you listening, Whineypants Pattinson? This is how it's done.) Being Gerard's plaything would probably involve research (watch Trainspotting), dedication (he works a lot, so you'd be lonely), and no carbs (-1). But it would be worth it.
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The current reigning goddess of Broadway and gaydom needs a charming escort for all of her appearances now that the whole on-and-off Sorkin thing has ended. And it would be so fun! You'd get to hang out with the cast of Glee, wear delightful candy-colored ensembles, and only occasionally have to pick up Kristin and put her in your pocket for safekeeping. Say, when it rains or there are large dogs in the vicinity. Kristin Chenoweth Hits A High Note
In a normal world where she's not constantly besieged by tabloid editors bemoaning her empty heart and uterus, Jennifer Aniston would be a great catch. She's gorgeous, rich, and likes dogs. What's not to love? Being her kept man would obviously be great, as long as you get rid of that well-worn VHS copy of Gia.