He Won't Satisfy Me: What Should I Do?
The sex is bad, attempts to fix it aren't working, what should you do?
RH Reality Check (the website for "information and analysis for reproductive health") recently received the following letter from a reader named Jessica:
My boyfriend does not satisfy me sexually. He only lasts about ten minutes, he won't rub my clit because he doesn't want bodily fluids on his hand and he won't eat me out because he thinks it's nasty, but he thinks that I should give him head. We have been together two years and now it is really affecting me. What can I do?
The RH Reality Check advisor, Heather Corinna, tries her best to support Jessica by saying that her boyfriend may not understand how female anatomy works, that he might not be very emotionally mature, that he (like "plenty of people") might have one or two sexual activities that just aren't his thing, and that maybe he "just needs for you to talk with him about this seriously." All of this is prefaced by her first sentence to Jessica: "Ten minutes is actually a longer time, not a shorter time, for an erection to last once intercourse begins, especially for a younger man." The Mysteries Of The Female O
We have two questions to ask Heather: First, did you actually read Jessica's letter? Second, how did you get your job?
With regard to the first question: If you'd read Jessica's letter carefully, you'd understand that she is incredibly frustrated and forlorn over the state of things. You'd realize that she is in need of some empathy right off the bat, not a talk about how her boyfriend's erection time is above average. You'd surmise that she understands her own anatomy (yes, her clit) and has explained how it works to her boyfriend. And, you'd know that Jessica and her boyfriend have actually talked about what each of them wants, and that he still won't give it to her. 12 Relationship Red Flags
With regard to our second question...well...we're still stumped on this one.
But let's also ask Jessica some questions. First and foremost: Jessica, do you know that you are awesome? Do you know how much we respect the fact that you've tried to communicate openly with your boyfriend about what feels good to you? Did you know that the vast majority of guys actually enjoy pleasuring their partners and want to learn how to do it right? Are you aware of the fact that you can do a lot better than a guy who expects you to sexually pleasure him, but won't pleasure you in return? How many more conversations and explanations does your boyfriend really even deserve? Has it crossed your mind that he might be gay? Stop Settling for So-So Sex!
It's not that we don't appreciate where RH Reality Check is coming from with their answer to Jessica's letter. Obviously, they want to help Jessica save her relationship, however awful it might be. But, as we see it, not all relationships are worth saving, and hers is one of them. How To Break Up With A Man: Don't Be Ambiguous
Discussion
It really sounds like her guy is only concerned with his pleasure and not hers...hmmm....not to much of a leap in logic there when it concerns us guys.
There are those men who are similar to a guy who gave his advice in this blog, and then there are men who have acutally matured and grown up and would actually be worthy of trying to maintain a relationship with. Her guy was more the former. I can understand a guy who doesn't want to perform because he is unskilled, but skills only come through direction and practice. I've been with a few women who needed to learn how to take better care down there, but they were pretty aware of that fact themselves and never expected me to go below the belt for that reason.
This is just another example of people needing to know when its time to get out versus doing everything possible to keep the relationship going. This guy didn't deserve it. Hopefully she has learned better.
If you want to know why a MAN won't go down on the woman he loves, or pleases her with finger, why not ASK A MAN!! hello?? Why are you asking women?
Now to answer the question.
Don't focus on WHAT he is doing (or not doing) but ask WHY he is not.
First off, His reasoning for not playing with her clit is like 200% total BS. Clit can not get wet on its own unless he brings the wetness up from vagina, THE REAL REASON: women, please don't take it personally, but reality is, many (read: most) women STINK down there, the smell is so repulsive that a man cannot stand it, let alone lick that area and stay there for a long time. Plain n simple. and it is not easy to tell your partner that. Its never easy. This guy may not have found a way to resolve this with his woman. Also, when a man plays with the p***y of a smelly woman, all that smell gets on his hand and its gross and yucky!!
So what to do about this no p***y eating situation:
1) PLEASE trim your pubic hair. These are not sexy, and pubic hair going in mouth is GROSS and gives us men a gag. Yes, please shave it, trim it, wax it, whatever you do, be clean.
2) Take a shower before coming to bed. Or better yet, take shower together, you both clean each other, and play, then move to a more comfortable spot.
3) Use some fragrance. We men do love women who smell nice.
4) For guys, in giving oral sex to women, start off by using just your tongue on her clit and around her p***y. You don't have to lick her vagina if you are a novice and are not comfortable with it, or her juices. You can totally just lick her clit, or use some nice flavorful lotion on her p***y to make it more appealing and appetizing. Same for women in giving bj.
5) Use some nice lubricant or lotion to play with his c**k, and he can do the same while playing with your clit..
6) Remember to make sure YOU are SEXABLE. A smelly, dirty person doesnt seem attractive to either gender.
It's sad to know women forget about themselves in the bedroom. Maybe its an old frame of mind, but its not relevent in 2009, and really never should have been. The truth is when you're in a relationship, sex plays a large role; if you're not sexually compatible and partners aren't willing to change.......its time to let the relationship go. In a strange way, cases like these not only reflect sexual frustrations, but general relationship frustrations as well. I hope Jessica got out of this selfish relationship!
I used to think that I couldn't orgasm with a man, until I gave up trying to satisfy him & just focused on myself. What a difference! Now I can orgasm no matter what. Stop depending on him to provide you with a good experience. Learn to depend on yourself to create a good experience for yourself with him.
I guess the good news is that I can not personally relate; however reading the letter - I sensed the frustration - almost pain. In an effort, not to be direct or telling Jessica what to do, I would pose this question "Are you willing to continue to live your life in this manner?" "Is this relationship worth the sacrifice of your desires". If the answer is no, I would agree with the final statement in the article, cut your losses and move on. "Do you deserve more from the relationship?" YES, You are more deserving. And what I can relate to, is breakups - as difficult as they are, they happen for reasons and the next is better.
I know all too well what Jessica is going through because I am also dealing with that same issue. That letter sounds like I could have written it. In the beginning he mentioned that he had never done oral but I brushed it off as he had very few sexual experiences and that over time he will do it. Its been two years that we have been dating and I had to continually ask for him to "Go Down" when he finally attempted which was only about a month or so ago only did it for a minute. Since the last time he attempted to, he hasn't tried again. In a relationship it’s so important to want to at least attempt to please your partner he lacks this big time. This is the main reason that I am ready to leave him. I agree with Kristen cut your losses. I am taking this advice.
