The sex is bad, attempts to fix it aren't working, what should you do?
By Kristen Meinzer — Written on Oct 12, 2009
RH Reality Check (the website for "information and analysis for reproductive health") recently received the following letter from a reader named Jessica:
My boyfriend does not satisfy me sexually. He only lasts about ten minutes, he won't rub my clit because he doesn't want bodily fluids on his hand and he won't eat me out because he thinks it's nasty, but he thinks that I should give him head. We have been together two years and now it is really affecting me. What can I do?
The RH Reality Check advisor, Heather Corinna, tries her best to support Jessica by saying that her boyfriend may not understand how female anatomy works, that he might not be very emotionally mature, that he (like "plenty of people") might have one or two sexual activities that just aren't his thing, and that maybe he "just needs for you to talk with him about this seriously." All of this is prefaced by her first sentence to Jessica: "Ten minutes is actually a longer time, not a shorter time, for an erection to last once intercourse begins, especially for a younger man." The Mysteries Of The Female O
We have two questions to ask Heather: First, did you actually read Jessica's letter? Second, how did you get your job?
With regard to the first question: If you'd read Jessica's letter carefully, you'd understand that she is incredibly frustrated and forlorn over the state of things. You'd realize that she is in need of some empathy right off the bat, not a talk about how her boyfriend's erection time is above average. You'd surmise that she understands her own anatomy (yes, her clit) and has explained how it works to her boyfriend. And, you'd know that Jessica and her boyfriend have actually talked about what each of them wants, and that he still won't give it to her. 12 Relationship Red Flags
With regard to our second question...well...we're still stumped on this one.
But let's also ask Jessica some questions. First and foremost: Jessica, do you know that you are awesome? Do you know how much we respect the fact that you've tried to communicate openly with your boyfriend about what feels good to you? Did you know that the vast majority of guys actually enjoy pleasuring their partners and want to learn how to do it right? Are you aware of the fact that you can do a lot better than a guy who expects you to sexually pleasure him, but won't pleasure you in return? How many more conversations and explanations does your boyfriend really even deserve? Has it crossed your mind that he might be gay? Stop Settling for So-So Sex!
It's not that we don't appreciate where RH Reality Check is coming from with their answer to Jessica's letter. Obviously, they want to help Jessica save her relationship, however awful it might be. But, as we see it, not all relationships are worth saving, and hers is one of them. How To Break Up With A Man: Don't Be Ambiguous
Jessica, if you are reading this: please cut your losses. It's been two years. You've tried. And if you need someone to write to with future relationship issues, please drop us a line (here). We promise we'll never start off our response with an explanation about how your crappy boyfriend is above average.
Readers, have you encountered a boyfriend who's unwilling to give you pleasure but expects it for himself?