Beauty Is A State Of Mind: Sex After Mastectomy
Embracing your sexuality—even when hairless, throwing up and left ravaged by a mastectomy.
It's a common perception that only older women get breast cancer—old enough that they don't really care if they ever have sex again. And boobs? Whatever, take 'em… They already nursed their kids and the ta-tas are just getting saggy anyway. Right?
Wrong! I'm 26, and I have cancer in my breast. And no matter what age, women still want to be treated like the gorgeous creatures we are, even when hairless, probably throwing up and left ravaged by a mastectomy.
When I discovered my lump at 24, I was nearly scoffed out of a male breast cancer specialist's office, who said I was statistically too young to have it. After some surly resistance on my part, I had my unidentified lump removed, but technically he was right: I didn't have breast cancer. I had a vascular tumor called angiosarcoma: a very rare and nasty cancer that normally shows up in the heart or bone. And here I am now, two years later with different doctors, a new diagnosis and a 70 percent chance of dying within the next two years. How To Handle Your Partner's Health Problems
The months after my diagnosis were a painful blur. My boyfriend, Adam, doggedly called me beautiful and made sure that I was able to believe it. He was so caring and supportive when my oncologist said I would likely not have children because of the chemo. Instead of complaining or bolting for the door when my doctor said no sex because of the infection risk, Adam said, "I will wait for years. I don't care about sex; I just want you." I know that if our roles were reversed I would have done the same thing for him, but sometimes it's still surprising to know that a person can love enough to put up with everything that you have to go through. I know he puts on a brave face for me every day—and I have seen him break down when he didn't know I was looking. My bald head is covered in kisses, pats, rubs and fuzzy hats whenever he comes home or if I look sad or feel ugly. That is commitment. I wish everyone had a relationship like ours. When It Comes To Long-Term Love, Do Looks Matter?
Here is the skinny on the treatment of rare cancer in the boob (I call it the slash, burn and poison method): single-agent chemo, mastectomy, radiation and more chemo. If that sounds familiar, it is. Oncology hasn't changed much since the 1950's, although the drugs that treat the side effects have.
On chemotherapy, the first hair to go is on your naughty bits (less painful than a Brazilian bikini wax!). Later your boyfriend will use duct tape as a makeshift lint brush for your head. You'd better load up on laxatives before infusion or you WILL suffer the consequences. And eat delicious, fattening foods right before chemotherapy, for you will never again be tempted to eat them. I used food aversion to my advantage; it makes dieting so much easier. Now if I even think about cheesecake, ham and gnocchi, I dry heave.
Discussion
Tracy, a wonderful story. Keep up the fight.
I had a mastectomy two years ago and still have not had reconstruction.
My boyfriend also slept in my hospital bed, (after sobbing while they took me into surgery), he also emptied my drains and always made me feel attractive.
Cheers to Adam. It is important to have a loving and supportive partner.
When I went to Nordstroms for my prosthesis, I did not even know what a full-coverage bra was. They choose wonderful stretch lace bras by Wacoal.
I got them in 4 colors and they had pockets put into them for me.
Remember, that most nice bras and swimsuits can have pockets sewn into them. Good luck , good health and keep up the positive attitude and laugh when you can.
Tracey, thank you for writing such an incredible article. It brought tears to my eyes more than once. My mother had breast cancer and had a double mastectomy as well as a hysterectomy shortly after, which threw her into menopause early. The whole thing was incredibly difficult for her, my father, my 2 sisters and I to go through. This was about 5 years ago and she had been doing great up until a few months ago when she had a scan for stomach issues and the doctor happened to find a tumor in her lung. It was a rare cancer called bronchioalveolar carcinoma, and it was growing. The surgery was brutal and the aftermath wasn't much better with infections that followed. Now, her abdomen and back look as if she got into a fight with a butcher.
My grandmother, aunt and great aunt also had breast cancer. I'm only 20, but that doesn't keep me from checking my girls twice a month! It's very scary to know that my sisters and I are at such high risk.
My mother is doing much better now, she's short of breath from time to time but she remains the strongest person I have ever known. She called my yesterday and told me her latest scan came up clear. No cancer! (tears are still flowing...) Anyway, I loved your article and will share it with many.
-Justine
p.s. Adam sounds like a hero and an angel!
What an amazing article. You're a strong person and so is your boyfriend.
I have medical issues too and I'm always amazed at how patient, understanding and loving my guy (also named Adam!) is whenever I end up in hospital.
I hope everything works out for you.
It must be an Adam thing eh? I'm sorry about your hospital stays... they do suck don't they!
I am a 61 year old man, married for 39 years. Our son died at 13 after a battle with brain cancer. I can relate to what you went through with treatments, and with the emotional ups and downs that you and your boy friend have seen. Obviously, I cannot fully understand the emotional effects of the loss of a breast that any woman, let alone a young one, would experience.
I saw this article listed on MSN and read it out of curiosity. Writing this was a brave thing to do, and I did come away with a better understanding of what my responsibilities are should my wife undergo the same. This should be required reading for all men.
Thank you for writing and publishing your story.
Jack, thank you so much for posting this. I'm sorry about your son. Cancer is a horrible thing for everyone it comes in contact with. Its a very unfair lot. I just keep positive and hope for the best outcome... what else can you do but that?
But I am happy that my story was meaningful to you. That makes me feel so good. It should be mandatory for men to read. I feel so angry when I hear from other women that didn't get the love and support they needed while going through such a traumatic thing. Thank you for your curiosity and contribution.
Namaste.
Love your article. It is a very wonderful and brave thing to share your story.
"It's a common perception that only older women get breast cancer—old enough that they don't really care if they ever have sex again. And boobs? Whatever, take 'em… They already nursed their kids and the ta-tas are just getting saggy anyway. Right?"
Ahem!!! I don't plan to ever stop wanting sex. And with the help of my husband I usually manage to love my sagging breasts. They are useful for more than nursing, as wonderful as that was.
Of course they are! Our boobies are a huge part of our femininity. I cannot imagine a 70 year old woman wanting to wear these unflattering unsexy bras. It's the equivalent of wearing a paper bags over the boobage. As if being mangled by a mastectomy isn't bad enough its like the medical community expects us to forget that we are sexual beings. We're not getting any favors here on rebuilding our shattered self image. You shouldn't ever wanna stop getting lovin'... it keeps you happy and healthy!
I'm really surprised there aren't hot bras out there. I thought people had realized women needed the pick-me-up for their self-image.
Check this out, though - the expert suggests you can get a seamstress to adapt a bra:
http://yourtotalhealth.ivillage.com/finding-perfect-bra-after-mastectomy...
If you or a friend know how to sew, maybe you could even do it yourself.
I've been doing that. I have been buying full coverage nursing bras from Victorias Secret and sewing the pockets shut. The problem is the bras though. You lose so much tissue with a mastectomy... and most bras are V cut to show maximum cleavage. This is great for everyone else but the breast form hangs out because its bigger than the bra... so your options are still limited. Bummer huh? I wrote to Amoena one of the bra makers yesterday saying I wanted to design a lingerie line for BC patients.
I AM a professional designer. We'll see how that conversations goes. Wish me luck. I intend to sexify mastectomy wear!
I had a lumpectomy last year at 43 that left a scar I'm still having trouble dealing with. Unfortunately, I wasn't lucky enough to have a wonderful man like Adam in my life. The guy I was with kept telling me I wasn't damaged goods but his actions were the complete opposite. All physical contact stopped. He wouldn't even help change the dressing over the incision. I was convinced no one would ever find me attractive again. My self confidence was completely shot. Needless to say we're no longer together. I have found that not all guys react the same way and the few I've met haven't even brought it up, it's a non-issue for them which really has helped to rebuild my self confidence.
I can only imagine what having a mastectomy would be like. My heart goes out to you. I wish you the best and thanks for sharing your wonderful story.
Wow, I'm so sorry about your experience with your... can we call him a man? It's so scary to go through cancer and its worse to have something taken from you (our girls are PART of what makes us feel feminine, we have a lot of esteem tied to them). Disfigurement is a horrible part of the breast cancer process. To have someone that is supposed to love and support you be such an a-hole is a grievous miscarriage of trust. I hope you find a wonderful guy that sees you and not a scar. There are tons of wonderful men out there worthy of your gifts.
Hugs,
-Tracey
Thanks for reading Lyz! Adam is awesome. I cannot believe my luck that we found one another. I don't know how I'd make it through most of this without him, my family and my friends... and coworkers for that matter. Everyone is absolutely rad.
-Tracey
