Breaking up hurts. Here, 10 truths to help you get over the hump and back to being happy.
He's the perfect height. He has perfect hands. You love his sister. You love his scent. How can you be with someone who doesn't know how to play the tuba? Or speak French? He is perfect and everything about him is perfect by association. The problem is he doesn't want to be with you. And now you're never going to find love again. Right? Wrong. Here is what you need to remember during a break up:
1. You're supposed to be miserable.
Unhealthy: being so depressed that you don't want to get out of bed without being unable to think of a reason for being so depressed.
Depression is never easy, but in this case it might be a necessary first step in adjusting to a new situation. Indulge in your misery. Rent sad movies, make your friends crazy, listen to Coldplay. Be sad until you get bored of being sad. Eventually you'll realize that being happy is more fun.
2. He's not dying. You're losing the relationship, not the person. If you love this guy and you need him to be in your life, he can always be in your life, so long as you want him to be. Focus on what's actually going on here, and resist the urge to "awfulize." Though the transition from girlfriend to girl-friend may be unpleasant, the end result is someone in your life who really cares about you, and friendship can last forever.
3. If he doesn't think you're right for each other, you're not right for each other. You have to trust him on this. The person you ultimately end up with will feel as sure about you as you feel about him. If he doesn't have a good feeling about this now, he's sparing both of you the agony of an even harder breakup later. You shouldn't be part of a relationship that doesn't intuitively feel right to one of the people in it.
4. And if you are right for each other, he needs this time to figure it out. Couples do get back together, but even if you do, you're going to have to take some time apart in the interim. If he comes around, it will be because the distance made him realize how stupid he was to let you go in the first place, which will lay the foundation for a much stronger relationship in the future. Chances are by the time he comes around you'll have moved on anyway.
5. It wasn't always good. After a break up your mind tortures you with only good memories and not the bad ones, but you know deep down that the boy had some problems. Maybe he hated going out, or had annoying friends, or didn't like dogs or art. Right now it seems he could do no wrong, but at some point you'll remember that you had your doubts, too. The most convincing proof of that will be when someone new comes along that you click with in ways you never thought possible.
6. These things take time. Don't beat yourself up about not getting over the guy in a matter of weeks, or months. A breakup is a form of loss and all forms of loss are followed by a mourning period. It's important to give yourself the time to grieve before you move on. Filling your life with other things is a learning process. You can't learn a language overnight, you can't learn a sport overnight, and you can't learn to get over your boyfriend overnight.
7. You will find someone. Propagation of the species is inevitable and you are no exception. The relationship that just ended is proof that you are capable of loving someone and sharing yourself with him. Just because this guy's not the right guy doesn't mean that the right guy doesn't exist. You just haven't found him yet. Don't make yourself crazy wondering what happens if you never meet the right person, it's akin to stressing out about getting hit by a truck tomorrow.
8. Enjoy your freedom now. Assuming that you are going to end up in a relationship that lasts forever, you might as well have your fun now. When else can you live your life with no strings attached? You can stay out as late as you want, travel impulsively, flirt with whoever, whenever. You can finally have guy friends again. You don't have to check in with or answer to anyone. You don't have to worry about anyone's reaction to a new outfit or hair color. Though it may seem scary at first, it's a rare opportunity to be selfish in a lifetime of prioritizing others.
9. Put this in a larger perspective. A breakup is one of many wonderful and tragic events that comprise your life experiences. Chances are, this relationship is going to be a small fraction of your entire life, and not even the most significant fraction. There's your career, family, friends, travels, all of which contribute intimately to your identity. Without your most recent other half, you're still a whole with a lifetime of experiences ahead of you.
10. You were happy before you knew this person. You will be happy again. Right now it seems like this is going to be The Year of the Breakup, but everything could change in a week. It might be the year you meet the love of your life. Leave yourself open to possibilities; you never know what's around the bend.
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