Is One Month Into Dating Too Soon To Get Hitched?
The pros and cons of marrying someone you hardly know.
Word on the street is that Khloe Kardashian will be tying the knot with her LA Lakers boyfriend Lamar Odom this upcoming weekend. If these rumors are correct, that means the two will be agreeing to spend the rest of their lives together after only about a month of dating. But is marrying someone after such a brief time really such a terrible idea? Or does doing so have its benefits? Marriage: Sacred Or Smashed Institution?
We've thought it over, and come up with some reasons in favor of and against marrying someone you hardly know.
The Pros:
1. It can work. George W. Bush popped the question to Laura Welch three weeks after he met her, and married her just a few weeks after that. Today, they've been married over thirty years, raised two children, and survived some of the toughest circumstances a political couple can face (a lost local election, a contested national election, an unpopular presidency, two wars, etc.). So, yes, there are cases when marrying someone you've just met works out just fine.
2. You're tying the knot while things are still hot. You know those couples who date for years before tying the knot? And how their newlywed phase is comfy and cozy and romantic, but not particularly sexy? Marrying someone you hardly know means you will not be one of those boring newlywed couples. No, you will be the sexy newlywed couple. The newlywed couple that goes at it every day of the week and twice on Sundays. You will be that newlywed couple that people will avert their eyes from and barf in their mouths over. Why? Because most smitten couples are that way during the first year, regardless of whether they're married or not.
3. There are no guarantees, regardless of how long you date someone. Lots of couples who dated for years before getting married get divorced. Lots of couples who dated for weeks before gettinng married get divorced. Waiting doesn't guarantee a successful, lasting marriage. Marriage And Health: Damned If You Do And Don't
The Cons
1. You hardly know each other. Yes, you know that he likes red sauces more than cream sauces. And he knows you fell off your bike in front of your whole third grade class and never quite lived it down. But do you really know each other's politics, beliefs and ideals? Do you know how the other handles money, stress, and career shifts? Do you know how you interact with each other's friends and families? And do you know that you see yourselves in a similar place, five, ten, and fifty years down the road? 50% Of Women Regret Marrying Their Husbands
We were in the Army, we had just met, he proposed on our first date, we married three months later. That was twenty years ago. it was chemistry, heat and combustion, after all this time, the sound of his voice, and his blue eyes still makes me melt. The heart knows what it needs. It's not complicated.
Not too soon. And, of course, I did a whole post on it. And that post has it's own comments section. Btw, the name of the post is, "Hurray Up and Get Married Quickly"
So, my hubby and I were together three weeks before we got engaged. Given, we didn't marry for another 8 months, he was restationed during the fourth month to Washington (I'm originally from Georgia) I missed out on moving in with him before we got married, but even if he were closer to me, with my family's religious beliefs, this wouldn't have been allowed anyways- So either way, we were going to have to learn how to live together. I can honestly say that has been the hardest part of this whole thing, getting used to each others' habits and learning how to deal with each other on a daily basis. He is in the Army, so I do the cleaning during the day, and I usually cook in the evenings. Since I have started school though, we each cook and clean three nights a piece and eat out one night a week. People can be negative towards marriages that occur in a quick manner, but I think that does nothing but make it harder for them. My family (Mainly my mother) was reluctant, but eventually they came around and we have an amazing support system between friends and family. I met my husband at a bar, and I knew before I even spoke the first word to him that I was going to marry him. Sure, we have bumps in the road, but nobody is perfect! When you know, you know... That's just all I have to say.
I agree it's a good idea to wait a bit but my husband and I married with a full church wedding at 6 months into the relationship and have been married a very very long time and still love each other dearly.
As a marriage & family therapist for many years now, I have seen all "versions" of engagements, and would definitely encourage a couple to wait it out much more than a month. As others have said, what is the rush? A month into a relationship all you know for sure is that you are physically attracted to each other. Try reading "A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage" to see how you think the two of you would do on following through with the behaviors that help make for a good marriage:
http://www.amazon.com/Short-Guide-Happy-Marriage-Long-Lasting/dp/1604330...
In my professional opinion as a Relationship Coach, most couples need at least one year to decide if they are able to make a long-term commitment to another person. Give yourself the opportunity to experience every season, every holiday, family birthdays and social gatherings with friends for an entire year. Ask the "right" questions as a "conscious dater" who is not in a hurry to make this very important decision too soon. Give yourself an opportunity to really see your dating partner on their "good" days and "bad" days to get a more complete picture of who they really are. Then, decide if you are compatible in the four components of connection (mental, emotional, physical, spiritual) or just going through the motions of being with someone who "may" or "may not" love you the way you want to be loved.
"Building Healthy Relationships ~ One Couple At A Time."
www.RelationshipCoach.us
Hey Coach Greg,
I think that you make some valid points and of course it's always great to get to know somebody, over a period of at least a year, before getting married! However, I in my belief system, 'mistakes' just don't exist, and my reason for this is because I have had the most positive, and life changing experiences after making so called 'mistakes'. I'll give you an examples here .... 6 years ago I gave up my job as a music video producer. One door closes and another door opens. I was then offered a full-time job at an advertising agency and i really thought that i had finally found my dream job. Everything was great for a couple of months until I made a couple of 'mistakes' which ultimately lead to the agency not renewing my contract and I was asked to leave there and then, on the spot. I was devastated, I thought that my life and career was over and i couldn't stop thinking about the silly mistakes that i had made. Anyway, I took my self off to Thailand to do a fast, and it was there that i stumbled across a rather strange technique called EFT. I came home and studied this wacky therapy and realised that if I hadn't made those mistakes I would still be working in that stuffy agency, completely unaware that my dream life was only a 'few mistakes away". I have many stories like this, as does everybody. It's only the way I have learned to see life that enables me to to change my perception and feel empowered in knowing that i create my own reality and life has no errors.
stay fabulous
careylove
I kinda feel like did a little of all of this. From the beginning, we met, we moved in together, we got pregnant, we moved to the in-Laws for the birth of my wonderful daughter (we really got blessed). During Prego-time, we got engaged, baby was born, to my chagrin we still live with the in-laws. From the beginning I have done her laundry I still do, and mine and the in-laws, and now the sister-in-laws too. Back to her, I cook, I clean, I work 60hr a week usually, I do the baby sitting in the evening while the Mom works nights, to come home and sleep all day till work time. OK ya I vented a little. Finally the engagement is off. The time line? dated and moved in together 2 months, prego (hate that word) within 4 months, engaged the 5th month, moved to in-laws almonst3 years ago. Ended the relationship almost a year ago. Still live together for my daughters sake. Gave reconsiliation 6 months so far. Time to go. Then I lose my job, so I'm transitioning in jobs so I can leave here soon.
We went through our love life cycle too fast, and she has never changed her pampered ways even for me or my daughter, guess some folks don't.
Well!, after stepping back a little today, I see I'm an average Too SOONER, Three years sure seems like a lot.
I married my husband in less than 3 weeks after we met and we were married for 35 years until his death in 2004. You can get to know someone very well in 24 hours if you ask the right question and are willing to be open and honest with someone.
It really does not take that long to know where you stand with a partner. I knew after a month of meeting my wife (and we have been marred for 23 years). There was something about her that made me believe that we could survive anything. Relationships and marriage has a lot to do with how one handles challenges.
One month is WAY too soon to even think of getting married! Why the big rush? Take time to enjoy each other and GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER first before taking such a huge leap. Before I even dare to walk down the altar with someone I want to make sure we are on the same page as far as values and what we both want out of life. I say be smart and TAKE YOUR TIME!
