My One Great Love...Wasn't
Coming face to face with the one that got away put things into perspective.
I'm sitting alone in my apartment on a rainy night. I'm restless, mildly bored, and, yes, I'll admit it, but please don't tell anyone … lonely. It's days like this that I'm sure that there's no more love in store for me—all of the epically momentous possibilities must have already passed me by. Somehow I blinked and missed them. It's in moments like this that I allow myself the small indulgence of thinking about Sebastian. The Frisky: Is Soul Mate-ism Preventing Us From Finding True Love?
Our story had all of the makings of a great love story. Once upon a time we met one evening in a dark, crowded party. He told me I was beautiful. I was young enough for him to appear larger than life. We kissed on the sidewalk in the rain. I fell hard for him—hard like scrape-me-off-the-floor-with-a-spatula hard. But we were wrong for each other in every way. We were young, immature, and troubled. It ended tragically—Sebastian stood me up on a cold, snowy New Year's Eve and the two of us never spoke again. I went on with my life. The Frisky: Six Rules For Being Friends With An Ex
I wonder what Sebastian is doing right now. I wonder if I will ever love anyone that way again—with an open heart. I decide to cruise the internet for inspiration—narrowly avoiding the temptation to do a Google search of Sebastian's name. The intention of my search? To remind myself that love really exists. A tall, existential order for sure, yet a valid one. I practice it often. On the street, on the subway. Every time I encounter a seemingly happy couple I say to myself, "See you bitter old hag, people fall in love all the time." I find the kind of cinematic headline I'm looking for: "Gulf War Pen Pals Get Married After Facebook Encounter 19 Years Later." Touché. The Frisky: Why Do You Have Sex?
As a teenager, Jamie Benefit decided to reach out to the troops during the Gulf War. She addressed a letter of support and encouragement to "Any Soldier." Jamie's anonymous letter found its way into the hands of 19-year-old soldier Jeremy Clayton. Jamie and Jeremy continued to write each other for the duration of the war, to exchange stories and keep their minds off of the scary worlds around them. After the war ended, the two lost touch. Jamie wrapped up her letters in a patriotic ribbon, put them away in a safe place, and moved on with her life. Nineteen years later, Jamie got curious one day (maybe she was sitting alone in her apartment on a rainy evening?) and looked for Jeremy on Facebook and sent a simple message to a man with his name, asking, "Were You In Desert Storm?" That was all Jeremy needed in order to know that he had to see Jamie again. The two met up in person a few months later. When Jeremy finally saw Jamie he says of the moment, "It took my breath, I was actually shaking and I'm a pretty strong man. I just said to myself, ‘You have to do whatever you can to make sure you spend the rest of your life with this woman.'" A few months later they were married.
Discussion
My ex (Dick) found me on Facebook after 40 years. His reason, "To ask for my forgiveness" for leaving me many years ago. I felt that, 40 years ago, he was the love of my life. But I met someone else & we've been married for 40 years.
However, I was flattered & felt like a teenager. Dick & I started talking & texting on the phone. We told each other that we loved each other, that the love between us was rare and beautiful, etc etc.
My husband of 40 years (Jack) and I share the same values and beliefs. We both have our graduate degrees. We enjoy many activities together. But, after years of marriage, I took him for granted. Jack is dependable, responsible and faithful. We are not rich but we are very comfortable and have enough financial indepedence to do what we want to do when we want to do it. We have children that are educated who are responsible adults.
Dick sounded great on the phone, said the right things. Then I started getting more of his story. He was married for brief 3 years and had one daughter. His wife divorced him to protect their daughter because Dick cheated on her and drank excessively. His wife is a well educated professional woman. Dick has had various jobs as bartending, construction, etc.
He has not remarried and has only been in relatively short relationships (2-3 years) with variety of women.
Dick had history of drinking and meth use/ dealing. He has no driver's license, and has to walk, take a taxi or have someone drive him to get from one place to another.
He is a convicted felon and has been to prison. He hated his last job and finally just didn't go to work for the past three weeks. He quit (fired?). His outlook on life is negative. "F" this and "F" that. His explanation: "I am an introvert." He has no money, no savings, no retirement, no property, nothing.
After the heady first moments of excitement with Dick, my feet are now well planted on the ground. I feel sorry for Dick and wish him well.
Someone was watching out for me many years ago and I am very thankful for that.
I think I can see where this is all going too. Sebastian is now married with a couple kids, maybe his wife is pregnant, and he's looking for a little cake on the side. My, this site is slow loading.
I see where this author is going with this... I have been contacted by two exes on Facebook (is there a pattern here?) and have felt the flutter of past butterflies. Though it is nice to feel the rush of feelings of boyfriends past, I realize that there is a reason they are exes. I wouldn't change it for the world though. Without them, I wouldn't be where I am today. I think that the sudden burst of curiosity of where they are in their lives is what makes a reunion sound like a good idea. But ultimately, it just turns out to be a couple hours with someone you once knew. Nothing more, nothing less.
I think nostalgia plays a huge part in our romanticizing of these exes. We forget the problems. We forget the realities and fantasize. And not reality can ever live up to those fantasies of love. When I hear someone say, "I'll never love like that again" I know that what is at work is nostalgia and fantasy. Of course you won't love "like that" again, but that doesn't mean what is coming up can't be better.
Our fantasies never really hold a candle to reality. I think if we find ourselves obsessing, we need to realize that what we are obsessing over isn't real and would always dissapoint.
