I Wish He'd Hit Me: A Christian Divorcee's Story

(The author recognizes that Christians are not alone in the dilemma of how to deal with an abusive marriage. Regardless of your spiritual/religious beliefs there is help. Please refer to the resources below for additional resources for yourself or a friend that is or may be in an abusive situation.)

A NORMAL EVENING MEAL? He cackled as he tapped the glass with a spoon. Rachel was startled and afraid. She did not need him to say that he was unhappy with the glass of water in front of him. She only knew she needed to correct the problem. She was 15 years old. She knew she had to figure out what he wanted? I looked on in fear, as did the other three children. I knew better than to speak. She raced to the glass and dumped it out. It seemed a matter of seconds before she refilled the glass with ice and water until it could hold no more and placed it back in front of him. She returned to her chair. Was that what he wanted? We sighed inwardly, but he clinked his spoon on the glass a second time. He laughed again and Rachel jumped to frightened attention and repeated the scene. This time she put more ice in the glass. We remained on edge as she took her seat at the table. Our oldest daughter had her fork frozen in mid-air when his chuckle returned. I felt sick as I realized once again that I had to get the children away from him. I signaled her that he wanted his plastic mug and she quickly corrected the mistake. When the cup he wanted was in place we were able to settle into our normal silent meal.

I could not hope to talk to him about this episode. I was not permitted to discuss anything with my husband. He said I was too stupid to know anything. Every discussion I tried to start was interrupting his TV show or his hobby or his sleep. I used every communication skill I had been taught. I read book after book about relationships, communication, and being a good wife. I went to marriage counseling alone. I organized marriage retreat weekends. In the first five years of our marriage, I cried a lot and begged to understand what he needed and wanted. I grew silent in the last fifteen. My friends and family were sick of hearing how unhappy my marriage was. I couldn't explain the manipulative comments and behaviors. I had no bruises. He had no mistress. He earned a solid paycheck and we had a nice home. Outwardly our marriage and our family appeared idyllic, but my journals, over those years, paints a different reality. Why Do Victims Of Domestic Violence Stay?

Resources:

If you are unsure what direction to take the internet provides limitless resources. Information at www.healthyplace.com and www.relationalissues.com are just a couple of sources for help. Local Abuse and Rape Crisis centers listed in your phone book (or on the internet at www.rainn.org) offer a variety of sources for help, counseling, and solutions. Your local bookstore can also provide you with reading material to help you identify and understand your situation better. Why Does He Do That - Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft is just one excellent source of information. The key is to talk to someone. Explore your feelings and concerns and always remember that abuse is NEVER your fault.