When Sex Is A Weapon: Surviving Date Rape

Life went on, and after two years of community college to make up for my high school back slide, I was accepted into and eventually graduated from a four-year college, went on to law school, embarked on a successful career and married a wonderful man. Would I have done something else, followed a different path had I not been raped? Would I be a different person? I would like to think the answer to these questions is no, that he had no such power over my life, but that is probably naïve.

Exactly how it changed me, I'll never know. Maybe I would have more close friends, be more trusting of people's intentions, not expect the worst to happen as often as I do and, during my twenties and thirties, maybe I would have dated men who actually lived in the same state as me. On the other hand, maybe I would have done everything exactly the same. In this case, time will never tell.

In the first few years, I often wondered if he hurt me for the same reason he said he liked me: because I was not one of those girls who sat on the sidelines watching the boys have fun, waiting to be noticed. Maybe, in his mind, I had to be put in my place. At other times, I would think he was simply not that deep, that my analysis gave his sick and simple mind too much credit.

Eventually, I thought of that time less and less. But when I did, my mind wandered to the one question that would always haunt me: did he do it to anyone else?

Sometimes you get the answers to life's questions when you least expect them, like when you're sitting with your husband, sipping wine, watching the sun set over the river, waiting for a table at your favorite restaurant. A woman recognized me from high school, and we made small talk about what we did, who married whom and where we lived.

"You heard Finn's dead, right?" she asked, almost as an afterthought. His name knocked the wind out of me. Did she say "dead"? I could barely hear over the rush of blood pounding in my ears. "He died of AIDS," she continued. "He got really into drugs and became a heroin addict. He knew he had AIDS but never told any of the girls he was with. He took a lot of those girls with him. Oh, our table's ready. Maybe I'll see you at the next reunion."

"Who's Finn?" my husband asked.

"Just someone I knew in high school," I replied. 

I could not tell this dear, gentle man that my first boyfriend was also my rapist, that my first sexual experience was one of violence, and that I had just learned that I was one of the lucky ones.

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Editor's Note:

About 15% of women will be raped in their lifetime, according to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN). Approximately two-thirds of rape victims know their assailants.

If you've been sexually assaulted, it's never too late to seek help. Call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1.800.656.HOPE to talk to a counselor. You can also visit an online hotline, at http://apps.rainn.org/ohl-bridge/.

If you know someone who has been raped, offer support without judgment or pressure. Encourage your loved one to get help, but know that only they can decide if and when they want to take action. Go to www.rainn.org for information, support and advice.