The Secrets Behind Serial Monogamy
Serial monogamy: dating with no breaks between relationships. Why is it becoming more common?
We all know at least one person who always has a significant other, even immediately after a breakup. Lately I’ve noticed that serial monogamy—leaping from one exclusive relationship to the next—has become a more popular and accepted dating trend among my friends and acquaintances. Why?
According to Psychology Today, serial monogamists usually believe in some kind of ideal love and in the importance of commitment to one partner, but keep a safe distance from the idea that true love should happen only once in a lifetime. Why chain ourselves to one Prince Charming when we can find a new one as soon as the original’s charming quotient runs out?
For many people, the relationship pattern seems automatic, like brewing a morning cup of coffee or sitting down to dinner every night. I was curious how some of us manage to have so many meaningful long-term relationships, while others run away screaming after one strike out. Is it fear of being alone? Simple luck? Genetics? And what’s so bad about doing a little casual dating and enjoying some alone time before starting up the next relationship?
To find the answers, I began studying and interviewing the serial monogamists I know. They, along with some psychological research, broke down a few different reasons why the serial monogamy trend seems to be taking off.
Monogamy Isn't Instinct …
… but traditional monogamy isn’t the most common arrangement. Empirical evidence shows that lifelong romantic partnerships have only existed in a handful of civilizations, coming in at around 20 percent of human relationships. (The percentage shrinks when we take all mammals into account, which takes us down to about 3 percent.) In The Myth of Monogamy: Fidelity and Infidelity in Animals and People, David Barash and Judith Lipton explain that expecting to stay with one mate for life goes against some of the deepest evolutionary inclinations that biology has given us. Mythical Monogamy vs Real Monogamy
There's still hope for monogamists, though. In the book, Barash and Lipton also point out that we humans are incredibly flexible in terms of relationship lifestyles, which makes us pretty unusual in comparison to our other mammalian friends. In other words, our desire to live this way can allow us to overcome biology. But that’s not to say it's an easy undertaking.
Despite the fact that we're not naturally monogamous, there's something within us that seeks the companionship and stability one-on-one commitments offer. Enter serial monogamy.
It's a Compromise
If Barash and Lipton are right, then is serial monogamy some kind of a compromise between our happily-ever-after expectations and our evolutionary tendencies?
Discussion
No such thing as a s.m. If you are with the right person and they treat you the way you want to be treated and you are compatible for the most part you arent going to want tp go anywhere or look for anyone else.
I was a victim of a serial monogamist. He was very charming and relentlessly pursued me until I caved. He caught me right at the pearly gates of separation and convinced me that he was the one-even though I was not ready to even have a boyfriend! He had left a three year relationship because of me...BIG RED FLAG, but I was so swept off of my feet, I didn't stop to really pay attention. I was courted to death and made to feel like I was THE ONLY woman for him. He built me up so high, that I felt totally safe. As soon as I relaxed into the relationship and got to a place where I would have done anything he asked, he dropped me right out of the blue. I was devastated, but did get over it. I enjoy dating a variety of men now that I have been cut loose for nearly a year. I am hesitant to put my eggs in one basket again - especially with someone who has a long history of never being alone. He did, by the way, return to the women before me. I do not trust serial monogamists - what is it they cannot find? Most likely, themselves.
It's more interesting to write about the ways humans and animals are not perfectly monogamous. Before everyone gives up on the possibility of lifelong marriages, remember -
Most new marriages will NOT end in divorce - 60% of them are expected to last now. The odds are even better for many people. If you marry in your mid-20s or later, finish college, have a decent income, and don't have a shotgun wedding, your marriage will probably last.
I think monogamy is a compromise between our conflicting biological tendencies. We all want a long-term faithful partner. We also lust after other people. In the past, men controlled societies and made women be faithful, but allowed themselves some freedom. When women became more powerful, they fought against the double standard.
Real polygamy has never been that common an arrangement because most men can't afford it. Most men throughout history have had only one wife. Polygamy is a very undemocratic arrangement that ends up leaving some men without wives.
Anyhow, I think it's a mistake to give up on the possibility of monogamy before you get started.
I like the observation that monogamy is about a compromise between our love ideals and evolutionary tendencies. On one hand we have to believe a relationship can be monogamist and on the other hand, we have to accept that while there may not be just ONE PERFECT PERSON the person we are with is that perfect person now. Its a mixture of idealism and reality.
