So imagine my shame upon discovering how nasty I could feel toward a person. After the breakup, I'd get messages from Holland where Martin admitted life wasn't so swell. When he confessed to feeling lost, I was pleased. When a new romance he'd begun fizzled, I cackled like a demon. In the film Sexy Beast, Ben Kingsley plays a maniac who wants to ruin his ex-girlfriend's new relationship with another man, telling them, "I won't let you be happy, why should I?" Seeing the movie after Martin's departure, I thought, 'I'm with you, Ben.'
Flash forward to 2009 where Martin had become a fond but distant memory…until I saw his wedding photo. As if the wind had been knocked out of me, I ran from the house and roamed the streets with tears streaming down my cheeks like a disoriented victim of a car crash.
Blubbering on the phone with a friend about how one of the great loves of my life had gone on to find happiness without me, I started listening to my own complaints. The conversation began with Martin, but moved onto the men I'd known since him, and ended with my feelings about my career. Whether I was getting closer or farther away from my goals. Whether my life was rich enough to keep my creative fire burning. Whether I still liked the neighborhood I was living in, whether my friendships were supportive enough, whether it was time to rethink my relationship with my finances. Dumped? 10 Healthy Ways To Heal
Really, I was agonizing about everything that was supposed to have happened in my life since I last saw Martin, including finding someone I cared about as much as him. A fragment of my heart still burst knowing he was someone else's passion or problem. But if I was satisfied with my own world, I wouldn't give a rat's behind about his.
In the end, I was able to wish Martin happiness. I'm glad for him and hope he makes the best of his new life.
Meanwhile, I've got my own work to do.