25-Year Age Difference: Can It Work?
She was 17, he was 42. Advice about how one couple handled their age difference.
The last thing I expected from my senior year high school internship was to fall for an older man. I was looking to learn about the TV news business. I wasn't interested in finding romance and I certainly wasn't after a husband. But when I met Tom our connection was immediate. I was 17; he was 42—old enough to be my father (though my real dad was 59 at the time). But the significant age difference didn't impede the attraction either of us felt. It was easy to forget about the 25 years that separating us while I was busy daydreaming about Tom's deep voice, hearing about his crazy, drug-fueled life in the 70's, and seeing the authority and respect he commanded wherever he went. Like an ice cube that's rubbed down my back, our age difference seemed to melt away.
Over several months, our relationship slowly progressed. We went from two people with a mutual attraction to an employee and intern that had crossed multiple lines. For the first time in my young life, I felt confident and knew our relationship was the major reason. The early stages of our affair were exhilarating. I always thought I was having a much better time than my classmates. But reality was not far from my mind—a quarter-century age difference was extreme.
A month prior to the end of my internship, my father, a retired Nassau County, N.Y. detective confronted Tom outside the local Holiday Inn early on a dark, dreary Saturday morning. Word was out on our affair, and it wasn't pretty. My parents couldn't believe their teenage daughter had spent the night with a much older, very married man. Andrea, Tom's then wife, was distraught—and rightfully so. My parents made me call her to apologize, and the conversation was agonizing. What do you say to the wife of the man you're madly in love with? "I'm sorry I had sex with your husband" doesn't really roll off the tongue, especially when you're far from sorry and your connection with her husband is stronger than hers. I also figured it best to forgo telling her I loved her husband—not exactly what a wife wants to hear from another woman or, in my case, a teenager. Diary Of A 23-Year-Old Mistress
Morally, I knew our actions were wrong—we had broken the seventh Commandment—but Tom was no longer in love with his wife. At that point their marriage was only a bond represented on paper. I was 18, legally an adult and in love, and not remorseful for my lustful actions. I also knew our feelings for one another were genuine. It pained me to hear others categorize my feelings as a crush, or say that I was just falling for him because I was desperate for male attention. I couldn't believe all the passion, adoration, and heartfelt laughs between us were fake or wrong. The lies we told to steal moments together were dishonest, but our love was real.
Discussion
This is just gross. She was a little girl with no life experience and he was married.
The actual reprocussion from what they did were felt by the children and will likely mar them for the rest of their lives. This girl would not even begin to understand the gravity of what she was doing to others because at that age we are mostly selfish and think only of our own feelings.
I believe that adultery is wrong in every case but this case is horrifying. If a person is unhappy in their marraige (their covenant) then at minimum they should leave with integrity.
I agree with everything Book Mama says. You should be ashamed of yourself. And you do come across as selfish and immature in the article.
I just wanted to add a little bit from a parent's perspective.
1) It would be heartbreaking to discover that your child was committing adultery. Having them do something wrong is not the way you want to learn that they are grown-up. Just realizing that your daughter could grow up to be a mistress is scary. (I am not talking about open relationships or being non-exclusive.)
2) From the point of view of 40 year-olds, this guy is scum. It is not normal to have an affair with a high school student. Getting involved with a minor or an employee makes it even worse. Someone our age sleeping over in a college dorm is not a mature thing to do. Throw in that he was married and had small children at home and it gets even worse. This guy is not mature or ethical. The idea of him going after your kid is a nightmare.
From a parent's point of view, the only thing worse than a guy like this seducing your high school teenager would be to have them get married.
3) The author's father comes across as a very decent, honest guy in this article. His response backfired and may have pushed the couple further together, but he acted honorably. It is hard to know what would have worked, although the article gives some suggestions of what doesn't work (confronting jerks, telling your child it's not really love, making people apologize when they aren't sorry).
4) It would be very hard for a parent who has left home to sleep with a teenager to have authority with his own children. Certainly they can't protect their children from older men like themselves. I suspect that even the man in this article would not like it if someone his age tried to sleep with his teenaged daughter. He might argue that it was completely different, but it's hard to argue convincingly if you've done it yourself.
I made a mistake like this, I'm glad it worked out so much better for you. My manager, from back when I used to serve tables, and I fell head over heels for each other. He's eleven years older than me. As many times as I ran away or told him I didn't want to see him anymore he'd find me and we'd both fall more and more emotionally intertwined with each other. Almost 3 years later I regret it, we both gave up a lot, even though he swore up and down he wanted to get divorced anyways and I did the same about wanting to change my social circle.
Even though we lived together and did alright; the jealously never subsided and I was always angry underneath it all. He had lied a lot and made me feel used, I could never get over it. Although I realize this, we're still split up and I'm still 3 months pregnant with this man's baby who even though he's eleven years older than me has the psyche of a selfish twelve year old.
We still love each other. I love him very much, but I wish I had realized that a man in that kind of commitment that just waffles and lies his way around, isn't mature enough to stick around when times get tough.
Isaac is notorious for bailing, and I should have known better- he asked me once if I was ever naive because I seem so realistic and cynical- it makes me want to smack him. Trusting someone like him was the biggest ball of naivety any woman could get themselves in to.
He made me a bitter person, which I never really was before, and it's scary.
There are always more than one side to any discussion. THIS article was written from the younger woman's point of view. No discussion was made about the man's marriage, family or how and WHEN it fell apart.
Assuming that the Jennifer was the instrumental factor in the dissolution of the marriage isn't fair. Tom and his wife's marriage may have been emotionally over before Jennifer ever met him.
Not all affairs end up this way. The changes of life are not always easy or pleasant. Some of them are out of our control. My marriage nearly ended because of an affair. My husband was DEFINITELY in love with a 10 year younger co-worker and the letters of "soul mate" between them was a knife in the heart.
We CHOSE to use that painful experience to learn more about each other, grow and rekindle our connection. It wasn't easy. While some memories fade, they never go away.
I applaud anyone who is brave enough to face life's challenges and take action. Regardless of the action we take, pain is going to be a part of the collateral damage no matter who you are.
I don't assume that Jennifer was the main factor in breaking up the marriage, just that they contributed to it. I think her article suggest that to be true - the wife was upset when she found out about the affair. When the affair continued, the wife told her husband to leave. There is even a suggestion that the author and the husband initially promised to stop since she apologize to the wife.
I think that you can tell a story from your point of view and still show that you have compassion for others and see their point of view. As this story is told, the author comes across as spoiled, immature, and uncaring. I am not convinced that she is, but that is the picture she paints.
It's clear Jennifer hit a soft spot in our societies psyche. I do want to say, how I read it was that while she is not proud of the dubious beginning of her relationship, it turned into a fulfilling marriage for the both of them and their family, showing that redemption can come from ruin,
I don't think the author comes across as being sorry in this article. Nor is there anything about Jennifer and Tom doing something to redeem themselves. There is nothing that gets across the idea that this is now a fulfilling marriage or a good relationship for their family.
Part of the problem is that the article is supposed to be about having a good relationship with a large age difference. Calling it a drawback of the age difference to crouch in the attic waiting to confront someone's wife is absurd. Two separate articles would have made more sense, although most people would still not sympathize. I would suggest that an article about how to overcome age differences in marriage would be better written by someone who did not start the marriage with cheating - or sex with a minor. (I know I have heard you and others tell people time and again in the advice column that under 18 is too young. That's smart talk about love.)
A lot of it is the tone and the style. I found myself very irritated at someone who could talk about breaking up a marriage and then say they were willing to put up with having step-children over for the weekend. I think when you write a self-revealing piece, it is a good idea to get input from people who are not your friends and will tell you how you are coming across. This piece is way too breezy and the author comes across as selfish and immature.
However, no matter how the article were written and what was explained, I would never, ever condone having sex with a minor. It's illegal, it's wrong, and if you are truly in love, you will still be in love when the younger person grows up. A man who has sex with a minor is scum.
From a parent's point of view, having a guy like Tom marry your kid is the worst possible outcome. I am still puzzling over what Jennifer's parents could have done differently.
I do not think it is some kind of hang-up or soft-spot in our culture's psyche to be against sex with minors and adultery.
In the article I wrote I met Tom when I was 17. I never indicated when we first had sex. Your inference that we had sex immediately is incorrect.
I appreciate all of the comments. Very interesting to see others opinions on the situation.
The article starts off by saying that you were a 17 year-old senior in high school. It is clear from the article that you have had sex before the end of your senior internship. You have made it sound like the two of you had sex while you were still 17. The reader shouldn't have to assume that you had your birthday before you had sex.
If Tom waited until your 18th birthday, you need to say so. However, even if he waited until you turned 18 before having sex, if he was getting involved with a 17 year old high school who worked for him, it's way over the line morally.
Author here. I won't address all of the comments ... but:
The children and I have very strong, happy relationships. They live with their father and I full-time now and are extremely well-adjusted. They have something many children of divorce don't have - a mother and father who maintain an excellent friendship, despite their many differences. Their mother and I are also friends and the children witness this first hand.
After further thought, I think the truth is that you won't know how the children feel about what happened until they grow up. That doesn't mean they don't love their parents and you, but they need to get along with everyone right now. Someday their father will probably have to deal with huge rage for having left them. Trying to deal with it now might not be the best solution.
I think your stepchildren have an amazing mother. She sounds like a super human being who can truly put her children first no matter what. I am not sure I could be as good a person.
I'm sorry, but I don't give you any credit here. The bottom line is you were willing to sleep with a married man and take him away from his children. You're lucky things worked out well.
My opinion of your husband is unprintable.
You know if I were you I would be ashamed that I just told the world that I had committed these kind of atrocious actions! But,what really boggles my mind is that it seems to be no big deal to you that you not only destroyed a marriage but the lives of 2 innocent children to go along with it! You can sit up here and use every excuse in the book to rationalize what you have done,but there is absolutely NO EXCUSE for adultery and home-wrecking under any circumstances! He might have been the older one here,but from what I just read it sounds to me like BOTH of you have some serious growing up to do!
I agree with BookMama completely. That was insanely selfish. It doesn't even sound like you gave his family an once of consideration when you decided to get involved with this man. I can't imagine the disdain his kids have for you when they have to stay with you for the weekend. If I was a kid and my dad left me and my mom for someone closer to my own age than his, I would hate you and probably my dad too. I don't see how you can completely ignore what his family is going through. You can say all you want that he had a lifeless marriage but how the hell do you know?? You only know whatever he decided to tell you. If he is this trustworthy stand up guy why wouldn't he tell his wife what was going on and leave her before he committed adultery? I'm guessing because he didn't plan on leaving her!! I honestly can't believe you didn't even mention the negative impact of breaking up a family. Having a relationship with an older man is perfectly fine in my book. But ruining the lives of his CURRENT wife and CHILDREN is disgusting and makes me sick.
Sorry, honey, all those women who are judging you? They're right.
No matter what you tell yourself, you broke up someone else's family.
Whatever problems they were having, they weren't getting divorced before you came into the picture. Without you, maybe they could have worked things out. Once you were there, he had sex with a hot young body and a woman naive enough to admire him way more than he deserved. Plus all the romance and excitement of affairs and new love without responsibilities. Naturally that pulls a guy further away from his family and makes him put even less effort into trying to fix things. Now he has someone to compare his wife to when they fight instead of taking responsibility for what he could do differently to make her happy.
To be harsh with you, though, even then he didn't actually get divorced to be with you. His wife was the one who threw him out because he wouldn't stop screwing you. He probably wanted to stay married. I wouldn't be surprised if he loved her, despite all the good times you were having together.
This is where it's hard not to see you as very young. You wanted what you wanted, even if it hurt other people. You believed what he told you. You don't see the point of view of the older woman - what happened to her and the children financially when you took her husband? You don't know enough about children to realize what you did to them. You don't know what it's like to be married a long time or to build a family together, so it easy for you to believe he should just leave. You can spout romantic bullshit about "nothing in love is easy" when you mean, I just ruined the lives of three people. Honey, if nothing in love is easy, he should have stayed with his wife. If lovers are soul mates, he should have stayed with the one he already had.
Sometimes things that feel good to you are cruel to others and wrong. You don't have a magical soul mate you're supposed to spend your life with. You have the ability to build something with someone you love and become soul mates. You tore apart someone else's love to get your own. No matter what happens, that was selfish.
Stop whining that people are discriminating against you because you're married to an older man. I bet when people look cross-eyed at you they don't see an age difference or two happy people in love. They see the damage you left behind you.
Some of the things you say are insane. Better emotional stability? This guy was screwing a teenager!!!! He broke up his family for that? He saved up money to move out once his wife wanted him to leave? Financial security? Isn't he paying child support? Didn't he lose some of his assets along the way when he got divorced? You're comparing him to teenagers not men his own age.
Spectacular sex? Do you know who taught him that? Years of being married to his wife taught him about sex and romance and how to behave in a relationship. He decided to use that knowledge with you instead of with her. Why are you surprised that other women are mad at you?
"if your love is genuine, your relationship built on trust, and you keep a spicy sex life and communicate freely with one another, then he's probably not going to leave you." I think you have an unrealistic view of his marriage and why it didn't work out. Again, this sounds young to me. Life is hard, love is hard work. His wife may have loved and trusted him. A spicy sex life and communication is not always easy when you have kids and in any case, it is his responsibility to keep it going, too. Although, of course, he wasn't trustworthy, so I don't see how the marriage could have been built on trust. I think you have a naive view of how much better your love is than theirs was.
"You must understand that an older man led a lot of life before he met you and accept his past to make your future together work. My advice: don't get hung up on the paths he took earlier in life. Focus on your life as a couple and what you want to achieve together." Hung up on the paths he took earlier in life? Like having an affair with a teenager, breaking up his marriage, and leaving behind small children? Don't cover ugliness with platitudes.
Of course it's about the age difference. Your description of what you like about him has so much to do with his being older than you. You fell for him because he knew things you didn't and commanded respect. A woman his age might have seen him with a little more perspective - lots of people used drugs in the 70s. Was he really the cool guy back then? Compared to other men his age, how much has he really achieved? Did he get anywhere near to what he wanted to when he was young? his wife probably had a more realistic view of him than you did. He may not be as mature and experienced as many other men his age.
You like his sexual experience. I know some young women have had many partners by age 17, but it is also possible that you did not. It is possible that he is an ordinary lover compared to men over 21, and maybe a little less flexible and energetic than most young men.
He "appreciates your youthful,supple flesh" because he's "seen what happens with age." If you want us to believe it isn't about the age difference, you need to talk about something he loves besides your body (or enthusiasm, energy, sweetness, adoration, idealism, etc.). Not to mention something you love besides how mature and experienced he seems to you.
