The Truth About Life After Infidelity

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The Truth About Life After Infidelity

She explained me that the toughest part of it was the "picturing"; she had seen how attractive the other woman was and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't get out of her mind the vision of "that woman" and her husband in their nakedness, having wild intercourse. It was an utterly disgusting, sullying picture and a huge blow to my friend's self-esteem: "It made me think he didn't find me attractive anymore, too old, less pretty." She added: "It was disgusting and maddening but the worst is that it was making me horny!" She couldn't believe it when she heard herself aggressively asking her husband: "Why don't you even try to fuck me? Aren't I good enough anymore for you?" After an awkward moment, her husband realized that she was serious so he subscribed to her implicit demand, and they had sex. It was the turning point that decided her not to go for divorce.

I know this story will sound fictitious to many but I had no trouble believing and understanding it, for I had been myself in her position before. In my case though, things had gone quite differently, my ex-wife's infidelity had gone too far, so that the marriage was damaged beyond any hope of repair; then I divorced. But I can absolutely relate to my friend's apparently paradoxical feelings and actions. Here's why: notwithstanding all the anger, sadness and disappointment, what you want to avoid above all is hopelessness, the feeling that you have lost all control. That's what I experienced and I found out that the loss of control, the realization that there was nothing left to hope about my marriage was terribly worse than "all the rest". My friend still had reasons to hope and she hung on it. Asking and getting sex from her cheating husband was her way to confirm her hope: it rid her of the thought that she wasn't desirable to him anymore, it sort of washed out the disturbing images she was having and it made both of them figure out that their connection was not broken. It was quite an odd way of a therapy and a bold move from her, but it somewhat worked for her couple: years have gone by and they seem to get along quite well, to the point of having another child. 6 Important Benefits Of Forgiving

Don't get me wrong, though; that thing she did was just the starting point of a long healing process. I won't go into the detail of that process, there is enough material from professional counselors out there and for once, they basically say the same stuff. There is just a point that I want to emphasize here: If you find out that you've been cheated on, the key to your future happiness is to forgive, and that applies whether or not you choose to stay in the relationship.

There is no valid excuse for the cheater, but that doesn't mean it's an unforgivable fault. At some point you must say to yourself "Okay, I throw away all the bad feelings and I'm looking ahead. I can't undo what has been done." Whatever your choice is, to divorce or to stay together; you don't want to live the rest of your life with resentment and anger; if you do so you will hinder your own chances of healing.

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