My Uterus, Husband, and I Agree—No Children
Does not having a child make you any less of a woman? No, and here's why.
I am a woman. I have all the biological requirements to have a child. Yet, I do not have the instincts or rational desire to do so. Does that make me less of a woman to not want to have a child either by using my body, my eggs, or my money to adopt?
My parents are the only people who, when I said I didn't want to have kids, responded with, "Sounds like a good idea." They married because I was on the way and had two more after me. They know how hard it is to raise kids, but they also love us very much. They wouldn't change what had happened, but they wouldn't force their want for a grandchild on me. Besides they have two already (I’m off the hook!) Is A Woman Selfish For Not Wanting Kids?
How many times have I heard after saying that I don't want children:
- "Oh, I'm sorry." Sorry for what? I've made a conscious choice and I'm proud to have the courage (because that's what it takes in this society) to say no.
- "Don't you like kids?" LOVE 'EM! They're cute, huggable, sweet smelling, curious, and all that. I just don't want one in my home relying on me.
- "You'll change your mind." Isn't it possible that as an adult, I've learned how to make a decision and stick to it?
My husband and I talked about kids before marriage. We both agreed we didn't want any and the forward in our future rested on that. He had a bad first marriage and I had little instinct or physical and mental desire to invest. Subsequently we have prepared responses for those who invade our personal lives with the question, "Do you have kids?" as if that is the only characteristic about us that makes us worthy to get to know. How about, "Do you travel?" "Have you been to ... ?" "What's the last movie you saw?" Study: Children Do Not Make Couples Any Happier
Why choose to be child-free? Well there are the selfish reasons (that's what you tell me, I'm selfish) such as wanting a clean house, peace and quiet, financial and personal freedom, as well as an identity that isn't bound to someone much younger than you. Then there is the "carbon footprint," impact on society, society's impact on the child, and overpopulation. Those are real concerns, but for our primary ones.
Discussion
I am sure there's guys out there that feel this way as well, you'd just have to find them I suppose! (as it's a deal breaker for some I am sure!) I do have a friend who feels that way. In fact he got a vasectomy to MAKE SURE! There’s a “poem” that comes to mind that pretty much sums it up why I’m not a parent… Google Philip Larkin - This Be The Verse & you’ll understand! I feel as if I’m in a remake of “Mona Lisa Smile”! We’re not put on this Earth to have babies! I DO give credit to those who dutifully CHOOSE to be parents! I feel it DOES take such a special person to do such a job! I have seen so many who shouldn’t be & yet continue to have kids. I have learned from others’ mistakes & made a concious decision to NOT have kids! If MORE people would consider the “you play you pay” option instead of it being a sexual side effect, the world would be better off!
I'm not sure how old this author is...and it would be cool if she were on here...I don't know. The funny thing is that for all of the stereotypes she thinks people will have about her, she has plenty about others. Here's the thing...of the thing. At many parties I usually talk about sports, movies, places to tavel, places that seem possesed, cable, hot guys (and girls), electronics, music, food, alcohol, the science behind contraception, sexuality and oh..sports. I usually spend way more time playing and caring for my children than actually talking about them. If children were tokens of status like a pair of designer shoes, an expensive watch or outrageous outfit, the conversation would sound like, "Hey, I want that thing...where did you get it?" But it's also okay that she doesn't want any.
It's unfortunate, I think when people try to justify their own choices by attacking the choices of others. And the kids decision is a tough one because it is so personal and so emotional. But no matter what choice we make, there are good reasons either way and I like how the author worked it out with her husband first.
Being I am another who does NOT want kids, I can understand the comment. People can go overboard about their kids. How well they're doing at this or that, as well as pushing their kids into various activities, etc. They feel if their kids are doing so well & the activities they have is how they (meaning the parents) view themselves as doing such good in the world....... or a kind of "Keeping up with the Jones'" thing.
Life is more than talking about your kids all the time. So when it seems like the general populous has kids, or paired/coupled off & you're not in any of those groups, can be hard to relate to people, when all they talk about is things that do not relate to you & your activities. Can make a person feel awkward or not belong just because they aren't into the kinds of things you may be.
Yeah, I think the "status symbol" comment was unfair. Maybe I misinterpreted, so I'll leave it there. Otherwise, I certainly understand the writer's perspective, though I don't share it. I'm a dad and, as much as I miss the freedom of not having children, being parents has created a bond between my wife and I that wouldn't be there otherwise. We shared our DNA! That's more heady than a joint bank account.
If you don't want kids, you shouldn't have them. It certainly won't help anyone.
However, please don't throw around comments like "having children is a status symbol."
Rather than trying to justify your choices, why not just acknowledge that there are lots of good reasons to have kids, but you don't want them? There's nothing to explain.
Agreed! There's nothing to explain. We all make our choices Re. our private lives. It's pointless, useless and somewhat immature to want to justify ourselves for the whole world to hear.
If you're sick of your acquaintances criticizing your chosen lifestyle, tell THOSE to f**k off.
