Rich |Location: New York , New York |Question: Hi Moxie. The other day
you said that men say exactly what they think at the time. Does that go
for women as well? I just started dating a woman who is 36 years old.
She's made a few comments about not wanting kids. While I'm not set on
having children, I would like to know it is an option. It's only been a
couple months but she's managed to work her opinion of having kids into
conversations a few times. Is it too soon to bring up the fact that I
may want to have children? If not, how do I have this conversation?
Rich |Age: 38
the reason why I told the woman in the previous letter, who broke up
with the man after dating for two months because he said he didn't
think he'd ever get married again, that she should have given the guy a
little more time.
When we find someone that we truly love and
care for and are in to, we usually want to make them happy. That means
giving in and doing things that we swore we'd never do. Lots of men
tell themselves they'll never get married or marry again as a defense
mechanism. Same thing for women who say they don't want children. Women
sometimes say that so that the man doesn't think they have baby fever.
Sometimes they mean it. Sometimes we, like men, just can't bring
ourselves to ever believe or hope that we may find love again. So we
tell ourselves that we really don't want to be married or enjoy being
single or don't ever want children. What we say when we're single often
times changes when we find ourselves in a relationship that makes us
over the moon happy. I hate using celebrities as examples, but Howard
Stern comes to mind. He said over and over again that he never wanted
to get married again. His girlfriend Beth never pushed him or pressured
him. Guess what? They got married. If Beth Stern wrote a book on
relationships, I'd buy it in a second.And she wasn't some young woman
in her twenties. She's in her late thirties.
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When women get in to
their late thirties, we start to accept the possibility that we're not
going to have kids. We start doing the mental calendar in our head.
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I'm 35 now. If I meet someone this year, we'd date for at least a year,
then get engaged, then get married a year after that. I'd want to be
married at least a year before we start trying to have kids. So that
brings me to 38. Hmmmm..." And that's if we fast track it and meet a
guy who is on our schedule.
It's a coping mechanism to tell
yourself you'll never marry again or never have kids. At least I think
so. You're just so banged up and you can't bring yourself to hope
anymore that you can't muster the energy to be optimistic. But all that
can change in an instant when you meet the right person for you.