Name: Brian || Location: New York , New York
|Question: Hi Moxie,so I have a pretty simple question. I'm 40,
divorced, been back on the dating scene for 4 years and find I'm falling victim
I am easy going and can speak to anyone about anything, but
get just a little tongue-tied when speaking to a woman I have an interest in.
For a long while I've used online dating sites and speed dating for meeting
women, so if I get a response to an online email or a 'yes' from speed dating I
can take it from there.But I find that I've gotten out of practice of simply
asking out a woman. And if I do, I'll wonder if they understand I asked them
out. For example I recently was chatting with a woman at an event and as we
were parting I asked 'would you like to get together sometime?' She said
sure, she'd send me an email, but then I wonder if me question was too vague- I
was asking her out, but she might just think it's a friendly get together and
that's all. To me, it's just a date, there's an interest, I'd like to get to
know her better and see if there might be a connection. So my question
is if my question is too vague, and might you suggest other wording for asking
out - either in person or by email? thanks! Brian |Age: 40
Your question wasn't too vague. It was your follow up that might have been vague.
she knew what you were asking and just wasn't interested. Or, if you
just left it at that and didn't ask for her number, she might be
thinking exactly what you're thinking. "Hmmm..was he asking me out?"
That kind of ambiguity can be paralyzing and make someone just not speak
up or call all together.
The "proper" way to ask a woman out is
to take charge. Don't leave anything ambiguous and don't put the onus
on her to follow through. Say exactly what you said to this woman.
"Would you like to get together sometime?" If she says yes, then ask
for her number and put it in your phone. Don't exchange cards. Put it
in your phone. Let her see you put it in your phone. That way she
doesn't wonder "Hmm..maybe he lost my number." Then tell her you'll
call her in the next couple days to set something up. Suggest something
you might do, like coffee or a drink. The same goes if you're
communicating via e-mail. NEVER ASK A WOMAN OUT VIA TEXT! It's rude and
shows little to no effort.
And then...actually call her. Appear
as though you have a semblance of a plan. And if you make plans for 4
or 5 days in advance, follow up with her two days before via e-mail or
text and have a spot picked out where you'll meet. Remember, show her
you have a plan and are taking control.
Women want a man in
control and confident. I don't know about other ladies, but guys who
suggest I Facebook message them or follow up with them don't impress
me. No, YOU can call ME. Go ahead, call me high maintenance or a "Rules
Girl." Whatever. I'm not doing your job for you, Spike.
man tosses out his number to a woman and doesn't ask for hers, it's a
bad, bad sign. Throw it away. He's not serious. He just wants to see if
you'll call him. A man who is truly interested is going to make sure he
gets the number and makes a plan.He's not going to leave it up to
anyone else to do the work for him. He will go for what he wants. There
should be a mutual exchange of information. Tolerate laziness from
moment one and you'll be combating it throughout the relationship,
however long it lasts.
I'm also wary of a guy who, after chatting
a woman up for ten or less minutes, ask for her number then departs.
Number collector! How do you know after 10 minutes you want to have
coffee with me other than you think I'm cute? Guys who chat me up in
computer stores or book stores make me wonder if they're hanging there
looking for prey. Creepy. Oh, and if you're using online dating? Do NOT
aks a woman out in your first 2-3 e-mails. That's another red flag that
makes me think a guy is up to no good or just woefully inept at
relationships in general.
I'm not an advocate of women asking men
out. But, for those of you who are, maybe you can compromise a bit and
- when it appears the conversation is headed in that direction by the
flirting and energy going on - offer the guy your number and then tell
him he should call you sometime to continue the conversation. THEN
LEAVE OR WALK AWAY. Try not to spend the whole night focused on just
one guy at a party or get together. Circulate. There's nothing wrong
with having a pair and a spare, as they say. They all serve as good
buffers between you and getting too invested too soon. Plus, you don't
want to spend all your time devoting your attention to one guy AND
giving him your number. Game over. He knows you're interested. But if
you walk away and talk to others, he'll be more intrigued. You'll show
him that you have plenty of other interests and options and don't
"need" to make sure he's interested.Plus, you'll be less likely to be
swept up in the moment and leave together, head home and do the
It's all about keeping a healthy perspective and not getting carried away.