After 18 Years, Will We Divorce Or Pull Through?
To divorce or not? How one woman is working through difficulties in her marriage.
There is a pervasive myth in our society that a good marriage is like living on easy street. People have the misperception that there's never or rarely any tension in a happy marriage. In my experience, nothing could be further from the truth. But one thing that separates a good marriage from a bad one is the willingness of both partners to communicate openly, especially when it would be more comfortable to clam up and shut down. How To Communicate Effectively
I've been married for eighteen years. During that time, we had one tremendously rough patch in which we separated for nearly a year. For the past few months, we've been in another very rough patch. It came to a head this week, so I've been reflecting on what got us here and what might get us out of it.
It began when my partner shut down because his work was getting intense. A new boss and new mandates made him feel trapped, and he stopped doing most of the things that help him maintain balance in his life. My reaction to his choices was intense and judgmental. It triggered in me all the feelings that came up two years ago when I left him. I decided that he had been fooling me for the past fifteen months since we've been reunited; he hadn't grown as much as he had pretended. It was just that we'd reunited that made him appear more stable, but once his equilibrium was affected (in this case by work) he reverted to his old ways.
I began to withdraw. I found lots of evidence to support my fears. Then I did something I'm always counseling people not to do. I started projecting into the future. I started seeing things spiral down, feeling more and more distant each week. I began to think we'd be better off divorced.
We were still communicating regularly. Our conversations were blunt and intense as we both explored whether or not we could find our way back. We faced the elephant in the living room, but we didn't know how to get rid of it.
Finally on Wednesday I made a decision. I was tired of feeling my crappy energy and decided to shift it. I decided that we should have sex every day for seven days (at least). I decided to practice being in the moment more. I decided to acknowledge that my partner had actually come out of his hole and was being much more present. In other words, I decided to make another go of it. 5 Reasons I'm Not Leaving Him Yet
When I got home Wednesday night, my partner told me he wanted a divorce. He couldn't take the pain anymore, and he'd decided that I was already certain we should get a divorce.
After a few hours of intensely raw and open dialogue, we agreed to try one more round of therapy. I don't know if it will help, but I was pretty certain it wouldn't help last time, and within a couple of months we had reconciled. I'm willing to hold space for that to happen again. Could Couples Therapy Really Save Us?
Discussion
It is hopeful to me to hear that other people have gone through what I am going through now and were able to stay together. I have been married for 28 years and last March my husband and I seperated. I stayed with a friend for the first month and when I was sure (or thought so at the time) that we were not going to work things out I found an apartment and moved out. My husband is a victim of the auto industry and after losing his job, his own business failing the anger and depression built up so badly he was angry at everyone but mostly me. I think it took me actually moving out with my own place for him to realize that he might lose me for real and that maybe I am not the horrible bi*** that he thought I was. Maybe there is hope for us after all. Sometimes it is so overwhelming that I think we will never be able to get past all the hurt and built up resentment. Any advise on that would be greatly appreciated.
I think all to often, we blame our spouse for our happiness and when we don't feel that happiness we want out. We think something failed. When we are at a point where we can't give, and we're empty, we want out. But the truth of the matter is we would reach this point of unhappiness and insecurity with or without our spouse. You are a strong lady for wanting to make it work. For recognizing that his problem is with work and his feelings stemming from that. I hope you both can push through and get to the other side.
At the following link, you will find a copy of an interesting NY Times article by Laura Munson that gives an alternate view on a similar situation:
http://lists101.his.com/pipermail/smartmarriages/2009-August/004030.html
if he's still going thru such an intense time at work, i hope you guys can find a way to survive this difficult time he is having and only revisit a divorce once he's got greater capacity for the relationship. especially in light of the investments you have made in one another, it seems worth holding on to discern what is really going on. sounds like you're doing that. good luck and remember to love him and take the high road, even when that is the last thing you want to do.
"we sit in the space of not knowing"
I spent the better part of a year in that space with my wife, and I didn't like it at all. I think we're now more aligned than we were in the past, and (fingers crossed) I think we're more or less walking into our future together, hand in hand. It's not the easiest path in the world, but I'm trying to have a little more active optimism about it all.
Being in the moment is especially tough for a couple, I think. It's great to be there, of course. But, it's super-easy for the past to creep in, and then you're not in the moment any longer. My wife and I, for example, nearly divorced a year ago. After that, we worked on repairing the relationship. A lot of that had to do with living more in the moment. And that part was great... we had a lot of fun and grew closer. But we also went through spans of months with no intimacy... and, if we were truly living in the moment, then those dry spans wouldn't have happened -- because whatever was causing them was past stuff that we were allowing to pervade our present.
Anyway, I wish you both the best. I'm not one of those people who believes that long, happy marriages are impossible. I fully believe that two people can spent an entire lifetime together and truly enjoy almost all of it -- maybe even to the point where those really rough patches bring us even closer somehow. So, for you and your husband, maybe this is something you'll look back on someday and reflect on how it ultimately brought you even closer than before.
