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My confuseing love life


He's at work right now,so I'm gonna vent.Let me start by saying,I love my man very much and we've been there for eachother.But,tell me,why is it that you and yours can lay together,talk about experiances,childhood issues,future goals and even share your dreams together.Then in a split second everything changes.To be completely honest,I don't believe he has cheated,but I believe he has attempted to.I've caught him in many lies,I've even broken up with him and kicked him out twice,but,he always manages to slither back in.They all do,and of course I give him another chance for the sake of love,because truthfully I want to work things out.But,most of the time I'm confused and just don't want to take the time to meet someone new and start over,it's too much work.Especially when I've already invested my time and my heart into him.I know he loves me,he's sincere,but what i wonder is if he also loves another,meaning his ex.She cheated on him,he caught her in the bed with another man.But,he still communicates with her.And what I saw on his recent history on the computer,was a website called, that pissed me off and the next day,he was checking her horoscope,what the hell?I think I have every right to be concerned about this and even be angry.Of course he lied sayed it accidently popped up when clicked on some link,ok,so,he thinks I'm stupid.He comes home to me every night and spends his off days with me as well,always answers his phone,I want to say that he doesn't have time to cheat,but we know that they always find time.So,I'm not giving him the benefit of the doubt.But,whats hurting me is that his heart might be with her as well,and I'm sorry,I just can't share that with any woman and I shouldn't have to.So,I'm stuck with the question of what to do.Part of me wants to stay and part of me wants to leave,but it's not that easy for me.Part of me would walk out that door too if he left.Last night,I tried something new,I didn't have his dinner ready when he got off work,and I completely ignored him,by staying on my phone,then I layed down to go to sleep,and surprizingly,the non-aggresser,aggressed me.Ok,so we had sex,hey,your hormones don't stop functioning when your mad,ok?Anyway,dammit,it was so good,why is it good when it's not supposed to be?Anyway,so I figured out that by changing my whole routine with him,not catering to him,made him be all over me,could that be because your worried I'm taking my attention away from you and you want to fix that?Hmmm,interesting.Honestly,he should be that way all the time,but he's not.Too bad he doesn't know that if he doesn't start being the man I need him to be,I'm gonna bounce and this time I won't look back.Because the difference between every other time and now,is that I'm getting tired of wondering who I'm shareing you with and who else your shareing your heart with for that matter.Wow,I feel so much better getting that off my chest.thx


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