Okay, look. If there's one lesson I have learned from Blogging and living my life publicly it's been this:
Don't date and blog.
deal. Men hate drama. Even if it's good drama. They just hate it. They
especially hate being a character in a woman's little drama. Blogging =
drama. Worse, they hate hearing every innermost thought that we have
when those thoughts mention "marriage" or "Prince Charming" or "The
One." I once said I was smitten with a guy after a first date only to
have our second date broken because he admitted to reading my blog and
freaking out. Smitten. All I said was that I was smitten. He ran so
fast he left skid marks on my blog.
You'd think, being that I've
immersed myself in this little dating world and positioned myself as an
"expert" (I'm not) that I'd know that blogging about a man and getting
all gushy after a couple dates is the kiss of death. At first I refused
to co-sign on to that idea. I felt I should be allowed to be me, be who
I am, throw my intentions and desires out there. Yeah. Guess what? Not
so much. While I might have known what my intentions were, the guy
didn't. He didn't know "me" well enough yet. He only knew the "me," the
one dimensional "me" that appeared on my blog. We'd like to think that
guys are willing to give us a second chance or get to know us better
before forming their opinions. Unfortunately, that's not how it works.
The phrase "second chance" isn't really one men use very often. And the
thing is, it's not that they're bad people for doing this. It's that
they're just too easily spooked and have an allergic reaction to what
they perceive as drama. Blogging = drama.
Many regular readers know my little, err.., "issue" with Blaire Allison aka "The Love Guru."
Listen, Blaire and I? we're very similar in many ways. I tend to be
more of a fatalist where as she has her head in the clouds. But at the
end of the day, we want the same thing - to fall in love.
been following Blaire's Facebook page and Twitter Updates for a few
weeks. One day, out of no where, she claims she had manifested her
dream man and now had a boyfriend. Literally, it came out of the blue.
One week she was single, the next she had "a man." A week in to this
relationship, she announces that she's off to her 2nd job..."pleasing
her man." I'm not even Jewish and even I say...Oy. What are you doing???
A week after that, she writes a blog post saying that she's been "saved" by her new man and the new relationship.
Let's stop there for a minute so we can all remind ourselves that she's
been involved with this guy FOR ABOUT TWO WEEKS. And, he apparently
lives in another state judging by the card on the flowers he sent her
for her birthday the day before.
Now, I read this and immediately
knew she had just doomed this burgeoning relationship. The funny thing
is, I don't think men mind being mentioned if what the woman is saying
somehow praises their performance in bed. Of course, they love that.
But when they read something that implies that the woman's happiness
and well being hinges on this man's presence in her life, they freak.
It's just too much pressure. I've had men I've been dating read my blog
before even meeting me and forming all kinds of impressions and
opinions of me. There's really no need to let the guy you're meeting
for coffee know that you used to have anal sex with an Ex. Because, you
know, it really sets the expectations sky high for the guy. Not only
that, but the mystery, the woman's mystique...it's gone. They have
decided that they know exactly who this woman is based on what she
writes, not on their personal experience with her. Personally, I think
it's an excuse men use to justify being pussies, but, that's just me. I
do agree with a lot of the readers of my blog who say that if they dump
me this soon and after something that, at the end of the day, really
isn't so bad...then they weren't all that invested or interested to
Fast forward to today, and Blaire is announcing every hour on her Twitter about
how she's broken hearted over her "break up." Once again, let me remind
people, TWO WEEKS. And he maybe didn't even live in the same state as
sit here next to me and let me explain something to you. Something you,
a self-proclaimed expert, should already know. Something I know you've
been told over and over again but that you refuse to hear:
are easily spooked, especially by women who appear to get too attached
too quickly. By blogging and Twittering and Facebooking every step of
this relationship and telling everyone how happy he makes you, you make
yourself sound too invested. I know you believe that you should put
your desires out to the universe, and I agree with you, but I think you
need to make an exception for situations such as this. Especially with
all the social networking platforms out there that allow everybody to
know exactly what we're thinking and doing at every given moment.
you feel the urge to shout that you're excited about a new guy, don't
Facebook, Tweet or Blog about it. Just don't. Because then you're
placing a mountain of expectation on the guy. Guys can be scared away
by the simplest of things. But publicly billboarding how smitten you
are? That's number 1. Men don't share their feelings the way women do.
They're not used to expressions of emotion. They don't understand our
need to share this type of stuff with people, let alone strangers. If
they aren't invested enough, they will use that early expression of
such devotion as an excuse to bail.
What makes these public declarations so stressful for them isn't just
that they know exactly how you feel when their maybe on the fence, it's
that there are all these other people out there waiting with bated
breath to see what happens next. People who might end up judging him if
the woman he's dating decides to blog about what she perceives as an
indiscretion or flaw or mistake on his part. Again, here we are back at
the male ego. It's fragile.
know, especially when you've been waiting so long and you've had a lot
of (public) disappointments in the past, what you really want to do is
show off a bit. I get that. You want to show everyone who told you you
were doing things wrong that they didn't know squat and you did.
date and blog. At least not without his permission. If you can, keep your
blog a secret until after he gets to know you. I've never had a
relationship work out when the man knew about my blog in advance.
Never. Doesn't mean it won't. But there's no doubt there is a