Name: Oinny | | Location: New york , Ny |Question:
I've been daring for a while, but over the last couple if years I seem to be
able to only attract married or attached guys or my relationships only last
about 6 weeks. How do I go about finding someone who is actually available or
who can date me for longer than 6 weeks without it degrading to a sex only thing?
know, if I had the answer to this, I probably wouldn't be almost 41 and
single. But, since this question seems to reflect my own love life, let
me see if I can suggest a few reasons for why this is happening.
1. You Don't Truly Want a Relationship
- Something about being obligated or committed to someone scares you.
So, to counteract that fear, you seek comfort in contained "safe"
2. You Believe All The Good Ones Are Taken/Men Are Pigs/All Men Cheat, etc.
- It's funny how our thoughts and beliefs dictate the outcome of our
loves lives, isn't it? Like when we think all men cheat and we meet
cheaters? That's no coincidence. A lot of times we seek out guys who
are taken so we can get them to cheat and then have that unhealthy
belief confirmed. Then we can continue to believe that there are no
good guys out there, keep to ourselves and avoid real intimacy. That
way we don't risk being hurt or rejected or disappointed. Here's the
skinny on that.........unless you are willing to get your heart broken
or be let down, you're not going to find someone great. You have to be
willing to take the good with the bad, accept that some guys are
players or dogs or whatever nickname you want to use for them while
still believing there are tons of good guys out there. If you keep
doing the same thing over and over, you're reaffirming that negative
belief. Do that for too long and it will become ingrained in you to
believe all men suck and you'll naturally attract the bad apples.
3. You Self-Sabotage-
Are you aloof? Too aloof? Or too flirty? That kind of behavior makes
guys think you aren't looking for anything substantive. Do you flirt
with every guy in reach in front of a guy you like? Do you play games?
Do you have three different dates a week and tell guys that you're
dating other people when he didn't even ask if you were? These are all
subconscious ways we sabotage ourselves. Are you overtly and/or
inappropriately sexual? Do you have sex too soon, meaning before you
know if you and the guy want the same things and have gotten to know
him enough to tell what his intentions are? Some people can do that on
date 1....they're lucky. Fortuitous, really. But they are people who
know themselves extremely well, know how to keep themselves from
getting too attached and know how to deal with intimacy and emotion
that soon. You and I are not one of those people.
4. You Need To Be Chosen
- When you hear that a guy is taken, does that make you turn and
run...or do you suddenly get a renewed interest in him? Do you cut bait
or do you stick around to see if he'll leave who ever he is with and be
with you? Sometimes we need to feel like we've "won." It makes us feel
special or attractive or worthy. A lot of people say that they like
this kind of "challenge." I don't believe it's about the challenge. I
believe it's based on a need to be the one that the man chooses.