Name: Oinny | | Location: New york , Ny |Question:
I've been daring for a while, but over the last couple if years I seem to be
able to only attract married or attached guys or my relationships only last
about 6 weeks. How do I go about finding someone who is actually available or
who can date me for longer than 6 weeks without it degrading to a sex only thing?
know, if I had the answer to this, I probably wouldn't be almost 41 and
single. But, since this question seems to reflect my own love life, let
me see if I can suggest a few reasons for why this is happening.
1. You Don't Truly Want a Relationship
- Something about being obligated or committed to someone scares you.
So, to counteract that fear, you seek comfort in contained "safe"
2. You Believe All The Good Ones Are Taken/Men Are Pigs/All Men Cheat, etc.
- It's funny how our thoughts and beliefs dictate the outcome of our
loves lives, isn't it? Like when we think all men cheat and we meet
cheaters? That's no coincidence. A lot of times we seek out guys who
are taken so we can get them to cheat and then have that unhealthy
belief confirmed. Then we can continue to believe that there are no
good guys out there, keep to ourselves and avoid real intimacy. That
way we don't risk being hurt or rejected or disappointed. Here's the
skinny on that.........unless you are willing to get your heart broken
or be let down, you're not going to find someone great. You have to be
willing to take the good with the bad, accept that some guys are
players or dogs or whatever nickname you want to use for them while
still believing there are tons of good guys out there. If you keep
doing the same thing over and over, you're reaffirming that negative
belief. Do that for too long and it will become ingrained in you to
believe all men suck and you'll naturally attract the bad apples.
3. You Self-Sabotage-
Are you aloof? Too aloof? Or too flirty? That kind of behavior makes
guys think you aren't looking for anything substantive. Do you flirt
with every guy in reach in front of a guy you like? Do you play games?
Do you have three different dates a week and tell guys that you're
dating other people when he didn't even ask if you were? These are all
subconscious ways we sabotage ourselves. Are you overtly and/or
inappropriately sexual? Do you have sex too soon, meaning before you
know if you and the guy want the same things and have gotten to know
him enough to tell what his intentions are? Some people can do that on
date 1....they're lucky. Fortuitous, really. But they are people who
know themselves extremely well, know how to keep themselves from
getting too attached and know how to deal with intimacy and emotion
that soon. You and I are not one of those people.
4. You Need To Be Chosen
- When you hear that a guy is taken, does that make you turn and
run...or do you suddenly get a renewed interest in him? Do you cut bait
or do you stick around to see if he'll leave who ever he is with and be
with you? Sometimes we need to feel like we've "won." It makes us feel
special or attractive or worthy. A lot of people say that they like
this kind of "challenge." I don't believe it's about the challenge. I
believe it's based on a need to be the one that the man chooses.
5. You Don't Set The Right Tone Early Enough
- If you let a guy you just met come over at 11pm after he's out with
his friends, you're telling him you're okay with being an after
thought. You're telling him it's okay to come over that late and climb
in to bed with you. As much as men hate to hear me say this, you do
have to make them work a little bit. (Which isn't the same as telling
her to make guys "earn" it.) You have to make it clear that you expect
to be treated a certain way. And the way you expect to be treated is
like someone they care about and respect. That means respecting your
time and your schedule and your feelings. If you don't respect them,
neither will he. Guys look to us to set the tone and give them the
greenlight. You can't blame a a guy for "using" you when you allow him
to do it. As long as you offer no strings sex, he's going to take it.
Even if he knows you have feelings for him and want more. Well, there
are a kot of guys with a conscience who don't do that. But there are
still other guys withy a conscience who do. Do not expect a man to
consider your feelings when you aren't doing so for yourself.
6. You Come Across Desperate
- Are you too clingy? Too needy? Do you freak if a day has gone by and
he hasn't e-mailed you or called? Do you ask him after date three where
things are going? Do you need constant reassurance? Do you get pissy or
moody if he doesn't gtive you the answer or attention you seek? Do you
hold him up to inappropriate expectations too soon? Are you devastated
when a guy you barely know or haven't really dated for all that long
ends things? Then you're getting too invested, too soon and scaring
them off. This takes a certain level of self-awareness to be able to
admit. Be honest with yourself. Do you do any of these things? If so,
then you have to get a handle on them.
7. You Believe It's Fate That Brought You Two Together - Ahhh...the Lifetime movie/Harlequin romance idea. One of my favorites. That only happens in movies and books.
8. You Go For Style/Power Over Substance
- The charmers, the ones who say all the right things, yeah...they're
usually taken. They have the pretty wife or girlfriend at home waiting
for them. They are guys who need 24/7 attention and ego stroking. But
you like his suits and the fact that he takes you places (usually dark
places so he won't get caught) and you're starry eyed over his Ivy
Degree and Soho Loft. Men like that feel entitled to cheat. Don't give
in to that.
All of these are signs of low self-esteem and fear of
intimacy. Go to therapy. Figure out the root of why you might fear or
feel unworthy of a healthy relationship.
The thing is, especially
as you get older, you're more likely to encounter men who are already
taken. It's just the natural order of things. The good ones usually are
already taken. Why? Because they were ready and open to it and met
women who were also ready and open to it. In order to meet an available
guy you have to reach a point where you're just...tired. Tired of the
drama and the angst and the confusion and the disappointment. But you
have to also believe that they are out there. What are you looking for?
Do you have a clear idea of what you want and what you need? Or are you
just kind of...out there?
Are you tired yet?
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