9 Things To Say During A Fight
How to artfully cool off that heated argument.
Are you a pirate when it comes to fighting? As in, do you brazenly charge in with accusations, a smattering of profanity and hope to crudely beat your point across? That is a bad way, grasshopper. Read: Love & Anger: How to Fight Right
Gretchen Rubin, Huffington Post blogger and author of The Happiness Project (forthcoming), recently compiled a list of 23 phrases that can help couples turn a verbal brawl back down to a constructive fight. Here are YourTango's top picks from that list and why we think they work so well.
"You don't have to solve this—it helps me just to talk to you." This is a good response to any "quit whining" complaints—a non-confrontational way to let him know you need a considerate ear not a contrary opinion. Plus, it's actually a compliment in disguise.
"Please try to understand my point of view." One of the first things to fly out the window during an argument is empathy. The more the accusations escalate, the more narrow-minded both parties get. Try this simple plea early in the argument to ensure that both of you approach the issue with the other's feelings in mind. Read: How To Fight Like a Wife
"This is important to me. Please listen." You would think listening is a built-in function of any argument, but most of the time, we're too busy calculating what to say next to truly pay attention to our partner's words. Use this clarion call and wait a couple of seconds before stating the most important points you want to get across.
"I can see my part in this." The fastest way to a nasty, no-solution impasse is to unload all the blame on one side. Yeah sure, you may think it's justified, but no one likes to be singled out as the only problem. Admitting your part in the matter, no matter how small it was, can help prevent an aggressive "Nuh-Uh!" rebuttal. Fighting Fair I: Civil Dialogue
"We're getting off the subject." You start discussing the dishes in the sink, and suddenly it becomes a fight over who forgot to gas up the car. An argument can quickly become a large laundry list of complaint after complaint. Use this phrase to steer the conversation back to the main problem that needs to be tackled now.
"What are we really fighting about?" Small tiffs can mask a larger issue, especially if they are frequent and revolve around the same few things. Instead of fighting each and every incident to the bitter end, work with your partner to determine what could be causing the trend. This phrase can be followed up by:
Discussion
I think a really important thing that is left out because we get so defensive is, I am on your side, I am your teammate and I'm right on the offense with you passing the ball to you, I'm not on the opposing team where you have to take defense. "Guy Talk" works everytime to help them calm down.
We do fight in front of our kids. I have never been able to hide anything or to wait and fight later. Actually, we may go to another room so they don't hear everything, but they certainly know we're fighting. So one thing we make sure at the end of the fight is to show them we've made up and aren't mad anymore.
Learning to fight so that it becomes a constructive rather than destructive way to air problems and find solutions is so very vital to a relationship and yet it's a skill we don't get much training in. It took my husband and I almost 20 years to finally devise a "plan" of argument that leaves us feeling like we've been heard, we've heard the other person and we've reached a workable conclusion. Fighting like this leaves us feeling more connected and ready for intimacy afterward to rebuild our natural camaraderie.
Course it's not always perfect...and being pregnant has put a strain on our "mature conflict resolution" as I am a hormonal mess! Still to give both my husband and my other life partner credit they are keeping to our boundaries and continuing to be mature while I am given the space to reign in my need to explode. They both got a major compliment from our two daughters recently when one daughter exploded at her sibling saying, "Will you argue like Daddy and Arch instead of Mom for a few minutes please?" When asked they both sheepishly admitted that the outbursts that my husband and I used to have before we learned how to better communicate were scary for them, now they feel comfortable letting us argue uninterrupted cause they know it doesn't mean we hate each other.
It's not easy but it's worth the hassle for the whole family!
Sometimes it seems like a fight just needs to go on for a certain amount of time before we can begin working things out. Maybe we need to vent a little.
This is not always true and can be very bad advice, but there have been times where I felt I need to get to the point of getting mad and swearing to get through to my husband.
There are a lot of things that work wonderfully sometimes and sometimes just make things worse. Hearing "I love you" can make me calm down immediately or backfire.
For me a suggestion to take a break needs to be part of an assurance that we will discuss the issue soon.
Heh my husband seems to need a bit of a shock to get to the point here he's ready to listen to what I'm trying to say. Still when I do get his attention things seem to get better very quickly. I would love to be able to calmly nd rationally approach him with my concerns but it is what it is I suppose.
I hear you with the "let's take a break" if we do that then I want a firm commitment to talk later on..cause he tends to mean "let's sweep this under the carpet" and I'm usually too worked up to want to stop. That and my hormones are in ful flower right now so I tend to be a bit of a monster when angry. It is very hard for me to stop in the middle of an argument and try to calm down but I figure that's my learning curve.
Still even if it is hard work it is worth it and the loud arguments are getting less and less frequent. If there is a "secret" to lasting marriage it's learning to listen and resolve conflict. All the tips and tricks won't mean beans if you are smouldering with rage and frustrated with not being heard.
Why don't you ask him what he needs for you to get your attention? Tell him you feel like he doesn't listen unless you yell and tell him you'd rather be calm about it. See if he has any ideas. I think my DH is the same way, so when I talked to him about that we worked out some ways for him to sit up and recognize that whatever is going on is IMPORTANT without yelling. And I was even able to remind him later when I thought he wasn't listening to those things :)
I get the same with the take a break clause. I like to talk things out and my GF likes to clam up and let it build till it explodes, so if a break is called for I'm fine with it so long as their is that understanding that the discussion will be resumed.
I've also dated women that need to really explode in order to feel like they've gotten their point across, and, admittedly, there have been times where I really didn't hear what they said until they threw down the "F" bomb at top yelling level.
Sometimes we just want our partner to hear us out. It is in a man's nature to want to fix a problem. But that nneed sometimes gets frustrating and makes you feel like he's not really listening.
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Great advice! But how do you remember it when you're all fired up (angry, scared, you name it)? When your nervous system gets torqued, it can be really hard to see your way to these great de-escalators.
One way to be able to have your feelings and not let them have you is to learn the simple technique of mindfulness meditation. Practicing it creates less stress, which is great, but even better, research is showing that it can change how your brain reacts to emotional situations. It's a little like building your own tiny but effective "pause" button.
You can try it out with a free download at Re-Wire Your Brain For Love
LOL you just have to get frustrated enough that you are ready to try ANYTHING to stop the fights! We tried starting to talk when the situation wasn't heated. We'd grab a cup of coffee and put on some soft music and try talking. If the situation got heated we would just work it through and because we didn't start off angry it was easier to remember to use "I" statements rather than "you" statements. It helps if you phrase the statements and keep it to how you are feeling rather than saying things like "You do this and you do that." We also decided that we wouldn't defend or explain our actions to each other unless we were specifically asked to explain and we would ask for clarification of what was being asked. This helps us not to get caught in the defend and attack loop.
We "practiced" often on those subjects that seemed to come up frequently and then when we did get heated it was easier and more of a habit just to sit down and talk. Remember that the habit of knock down fighting is ingrained and be willing to forgive yourself and your partner(s) if it doesn't work according to plan. When the argument reaches it's conclusion try bringing it up again in a non-charged situation like after a good meal and keep it non-blaming as much as possible.
I used to throw invectives at my hubby during the first months of our marriage but not too loud as the neighbors won't hear. But as years go by I've learned to mellow down a bit. Nowadays, when we disagree on things no one's talking and we both keep silent til we both cool down.
