Yes, I knew it was wrong when I started. He was on the fast track to marriage. And he was my boss. But like all decisions made when alcohol is involved, morality isn't exactly a high factor.
I remember the first time I saw him. I had just started as an intern in a medium sized company and my boss brought me around to make introductions. And there he sat. His long lean frame curled up over a computer, his glasses just slightly too big for his face. His hair in need of a hair cut Not long, but long enough to make it seem unkempt. A nerd to the core was my initial thought. And it was also what attracted me to him so.
He looked up from his computer screen and smiled, a brief genuine smile that sent sparks shooting up and down my spine. I reciprocated, and continued my introduction rounds.
Little did I know at that point, that for the next four years he'd be my immediate supervisor.
As time went on, we fell into our supervisor/supervisee roles and I thought little of the initial attraction I felt towards him. Though, I'd be lying if I said that in the back of my mind I hadn't kept that torch for him.
But, he never gave any indication that he felt the same. Till that night.
I've never been one to assume a guy was attracted to me. The majority of my relationships felt more like friendships than anything else, and I was resigned to the fact that I was never going to be the "it" girl.
As a plus sized female, I grew up being forced to feel like anyone who showed interest in me, meerly had a fetish for "big girls". And because of my size, I've gotten a wide array of looks - from people who pretend they don't see me to the guys who look at me like I'm their next meal. Neither extreme is appealing to me, so I treat everyone with the same indifference that I've received.
But back to that night. . .
It was about 3 years after I started. Victor and I were working on a huge proposal with the owner of the company, Gloria. We had just presented it to the client and we were in high spirits, so Gloria suggested that we all grab a drink and celebrate. We accepted, and off we went to the local bar/restaurant. Victor's soon-to-be wife, Dana, met us there and soon enough, one drink turned into several.
We decided that we needed to eat, so we sat and ordered. While Dana and Gloria discussed their love for the latest designers, Victor and I began discussing more "seedy" topics. Looking back, I'm not sure how the conversation started, but I distinctly remember telling Victor: "though many people may find it surprising because of my size, I actually get hit on quite a bit." He immediately replied "I don't find that surprising at all. In fact, I think you're really hot!"
His words, the ones I yearned for him to say for so long, caught me off guard. I smiled, and blushed, and was utterly speechless. I looked at his full lips, curled back into a smile, and it took all I had not to lunge myself at him right there and do what I had waited years to do.
But, of course his fiance and Gloria were sitting a mere two feet away, so if I had done that, it would have been an uncomforatble sittuation for all parties involved to say the least.
Even though I was flattered, and very turned on by his words (because who doesn't want to hear that they're hot?!) I knew his reputation in the office. We're a small company with a lot of female employees, so gossip doesn't stay secret for long. The word around the office was that he tended to get "very flirtatious" when drinking. So, I took his words with a grain of salt and just figured it was the alcohol talking. I decided my best course of action was to let it fizzle out for the evening, and approach him about his remarks at a later date.
Which is exactly what I did. The following Monday, I walked into his office as I always did, just to spend a few minutes chatting. We discussed the weekend and the weather, and when I had built up enough confidence, I decided to approach the topic that had been keeping me up all weekend.
I began with the typical go to line "Friday, I got so drunk, I hardly remember anything. . ."
And then I began to ask him if he remembered anything he said. At that point, he looked me straight in the eye and said "I remember everything I said, and I meant it all"
And that was the first moment where I knew I had him.
But getting what you want isn't always a good thing. Sometimes there are other people to consider. And I'm not talking about his wife. But that's a story for another time.