OK, when I last posted, I was on the brink of divorce because I acted like a psychotic shrew. Thankfully I have a husband who believes enough in me and our relationship that we could try to make it work. We both did alot of talking, apologizing, crying and laughing. We fell in love again. We've spent quality time trying to identify the problem and talking about our feelings. We managed to do it without be critical or accusatory of each other. We acted like grown-ups. We realized neither of us is perfect, therefore our marriage isn't going to be perfect.
I was the assaulter. I was the one who violated him. In alot of cases, it would have been the other way around, and all hell would have broken lose. There is something about a man hitting a woman that makes people crazy and they call for a lynching. What happens when it's the other way around?
I am not an abusive person by nature. I truly adore my husband. I know that what happend last week will not ever happen again, because I will not allow myself to lose control like that ever again. I did not like myself at all. I was horrified and ashamed of what I had done. That is the main reason I wanted to blog about it.
There are probably a lot of men out there that put up with a lot of crap from the women that they share their space with. I want those women to see this and to know that it is wrong. Just because we are the women doesn't give us the right to hurt the men we care about. I have been hit by a man before, and I left. After the first time. If my husband had done the same, I could never have blamed him. But he didn't. He knows how sorry, truly sorry, I am. He's a good man. He loves me and he must believe in me to take another chance.
Throughout our talks all week, he told me he felt like less than a man after what happend, because didn't retaliate. I think that makes him more of a man. He could have knocked my head off, but he didn't. He could have thrown me in jail, but he didn't. He could have put me in the street, but he didn't. Because he is a man. A real man. One who loves his wife, and is willing to give her a second chance.
I learned alot about myself and my marriage this week. I learned that no matter how pissed I am, I cannot ever raise my hand in anger again. I learned that my "perfect" marriage isn't going to be perfect. I also learned that it's ok that it isn't perfect. I learned that my husband has deeper feelings for me than I ever even imagined. I also learned that the thought of not being his wife terrifies me.
Even though what happend was horrific, it was a learning experience. They say you live and you learn. They are absolutely right.