We all know men aren't huge fans of condoms. What we want to know is—exactly why not?

This week's Wise Guys (very wisely) from Em and Lo enlightened us with the newfound knowledge that men (are you sitting down?) dislike condoms! Yes, reader— it's true. All three men unanimously voted (well the gay guy was an "exclusive bottom" but that's another post altogether) "nay" on the subject of rubbers. Condoms are Great but Protect Your Heart, Too

While all three admitted (begrudgingly and out of obligation) that condoms are "obviously a must" when sport sexing, each man's creative analogies used to describe those latex, circular servants of hell were priceless.

Condoms are officially the metaphorical thorn in the side of mind-blowing sex. Check it out.

Straight Married Guy (Fred):

Think pancakes without the syrup.  Scratching an itch with the palm of your hand.  A foot massage while wearing slippers.  "American Idol" without Adam Lambert.  It's still okay, just not great.

Whaaaa? Idol without Lambert? OK, OK, when you put it that way.

Straight Single Guy (L.A. Chris):

Basically, it sucks. It's like getting a massage with a sweater on. It's like watching a movie with the sound off. I guess a way to describe it to a woman is that it's like having sex with a guy with a really small penis.

Oh, dear. Anything but those dreaded three words...

However, take heed ladies. If you want to up that metaphorical "really small penis" to at least a small-side average, all three men say thin condoms are best. The thinner the better.

Straight Married Guy:

Anything that says super-thin, ultra-thin, sensitive, etc., are usually waaaay better than your regular, cheap, vending-machine rubbers.

Gay Engaged Guy:

Thin condoms are better, apparently, and polyurethane condoms are by far the best (though they're more expensive).

Straight Single Guy:

If you have to wear one (and you definitely should if you're having casual sex), thinner condoms are better, and it helps to find one that fits right.

Wow. OK. Well. No mixed messages here. Stock up on those ultra thins!