Why Do Victims Of Domestic Violence Stay?
Is it OK to ask victims of domestic violence why they stayed with the men who abused them?
Yesterday, two of the other lady blogs wrestled over the politics of asking victims of domestic violence why they stayed with their abusers. Are you a bad feminist if you ask someone—say, someone like me—why she stayed with the guy who beat the crap out of her, nearly murdered her, and raped her on a regular basis? The Frisky: Could You Date A Man Who Wasn't A Feminist?
Double X's Linda Hirshman says why? is a question that every feminist should pose to their battered sisters. Jezebel's Megan Carpentier calls Hirschman out for being a judgmental bitch with a superiority complex. While I tend to agree with Megan, feminist or not, it's an understandable question. (And one, many years later, I still can't answer.)
It's natural that when we hear about a crime, we feel a need to distance ourselves from it. There's been a recent uptick in robberies in my neighborhood and as I scan the police blotter, I find myself rationalizing that the person probably got mugged because they were talking on their iPhone and not paying attention. Or the criminals picked that other dude to kidnap because it was 4 a.m. and he was drunk. I'm never out at 4 a.m. anymore—therefore it'll never happen to me. The Frisky: 12 Signs You're Dating A Loser
So yeah, on one hand I understand the urge to ask why. If only to reassure ourselves that it could never happen to us. But I also understand that asking someone who's been punched in the face repeatedly, kicked nearly unconscious, cut, sodomized, and humiliated in a hundred different horrifying ways, is not one bit helpful. What would the right answer be? I stay because I'm a useless piece of s**t who doesn't deserve love or kindness?
Because that's probably the answer you'd get. It's certainly the one I would've given all those years ago. The Frisky: Why I'm Happy To Be Single (For Now)
Besides, don't you think these women are wondering why themselves? Even more than the brutality my abuser inflicted upon me, my most vivid memories from this time in my life are of the now-incomprehensible trifecta of humiliation, extreme self-loathing and, believe it or not, guilt.
Guilt might not make sense to someone on the outside looking in, but the sense that you're somehow responsible for your abuse is overwhelming. So when we ask a woman why she's staying in an abusive relationship, it just makes her feel worse about herself.
So what should we do? I think back and wonder what, if anything, anyone could have said or done to help me out of such a sad situation.
Discussion
I was with man who was so charismatic and clever and even though I KNEW what he was saying was wrong, he'd have me speechless until we were apart. He would twist things around and make me look like the one with the problem. I'd try to talk to him, tell him how his words would hurt me, and he'd just explain to me how I'm a stupid, silly, overemotional and illogical woman. "Sir down and shut up" was something I heard many times daily. I began to believe him...I began to think 'maybe I am just being too sensitive.' He was so clsoe to breaking me down completely...
Then the physical abuse started. One night he stumbled into the bathroom and never came back. Worried, I went to check on him and found him snoring on the couch. I tried to coax him back to bed, and instead he jumped up, threw me down, put his hands around my neck, and squeezed. I called my mother after he let up and went to smoke. She drove across 2 and a half states and took me to a hotel. We talked and slept and talked some more. She tried to offer me ways out. In the end, I didn't take them because I didn't want the enormous, scary change of moving back home and finding a new job and everything else. I wanted to cling to what little normality and stability I had, so stupidly, I went back to him.
I felt so guilty for not going with my mother...I stopped telling anyone about what was going on in my life. I barely saw my friends and when I did I faked a laugh and a smile. He continued to be rough with me, and soon drugs were being brought into my home. I don't know how I found the strength to leave because he had me convinced that I was so worthless and undesirable...but I did, and I'm getting better everyday. I am now discovering just how much I had lost of myself while with him.
If you know someone who is being abused, don't ask why. Don't show them anger or disappointment r disapproval or anything that might reinforce the negativity that she is already getting from her abuser. Be there for her. Let her cry. Help her smile. Remind her of how priceless and special she is. Show her strength. No one can make the decision to leave but her, and it is probably the hardest decision she'll ever make. When she is ready, she will do it, and she's going to need you to be there for her when she does.
I was in an abusive relationship, and everybody I've ever told about it has pretty much responded with "Why?", and it has always made me feel awful. My best friend refers to that relationship as "You were being a moron. REALLY.", and all I can say is "Yeah, I know," and then she looks at me as if to say, "Well? Explain yourself", almost as if she expects an apology, so I apologize. I still feel guilty for staying with him.
This article bothers me greatly. Simply because I don't understand it. I can understand the concept of a class to teach women about abuse, but I think that lesson, like many others are better taught in the family arena! Teachers are to provide education not be the moral compass of society!
Unfortunately we live in a society where if a person is exposed to what's abnormal for a long enough period of time, it becomes the norm for them. For many women this exposure starts early. If girls see other women in their family and cultures being abused, they think it's okay, and it is not!
I feel horrible for abuse victims, but the cycle will never stop as long as it's viewed as normal. Abuse takes it's horror in many forms from verbal to mental. Often times the first abuse isn't physical, but verbal, emotional, and mental. Women need to know the first signs, and them get out! No apology, gift, or tears will ever replace the suffering.
I don't agree with that Jadailha. Violence against women, and violence in general, are not just a matter of "moral compass", it's a criminal issue. We're taught both in school and in the family arena, that stealing, scamming, assaulting, killing are crimes (anyway we SHOULD be taught that). I don't see why the specific case of domestic violence wouldn't be part of that. Actually it should be in first line because it's something that happens VERY commonly, arguably much more often than other forms of criminality.
It would be so great to have some type of progam taught in schools that highlights the signs of abuse and helps teach teens that they don't have to be a part of these types of relationships. I'm always such a hater on women who stay with abusive men, and I know that's just because of my past, but I wish someone had taken initiative and stepped in on our behalf. I think that if we empower women before they find themselves in this situation, well, they won't get into an abusive relationship or they'll recognize that things are going bad and they'll be strog enough to leave. It's good to lend support, but in the end, a woman who takes abuse won't leave until she's ready to.
Carpentier is right: Linda Hirschman is a judgmental bitch. The best thing the feminist movement could do is to disown her. Should have been done a long time ago.
I'll try to remember the stranger's words. It really shows you never know when you might be changing someone's life.
I'm pretty sure a good lot of the victims stay because they are actually children of women who refuse to leave the abuser. One of my least fondest memories of childhood was watching my father hit my mother and she fell into the Christmas tree and my little apple ornament broke. she stayed with him until he left her about ten years later. When we ate dog food or had to do the "dying cockroach" (the military considers this pratice as a type of torture) I hated her. We couldn't leave on our own, and she apparently didn't care enough for our safety and well being because she "loved" her husband. I love her, and we'e very close, but I refuse to talk about DV with her. When there are children involved, everyone should be able to question these abused people because children don't deserve this. I feel no sympathy for these women, because I look back and I can see how her poor decision making physically hurt us and emotionally scarred us. The first time abuse happens (usually verbal), these women choose to stay, and many times they set themselves up for the psychological damage that later keeps them there.
I have a dear, dear friend in a violent situation. When I try to ask her about it, she shuts down and shuts off and refuses to talk to me for days. I once asked a woman, a survivor of domestic violence, why my friend stays and even chose to have a kid with this man, and this woman told me that many women believe they can change this man. That they are just riding through a rough patch and that with love, commitment and persistence they can make it work. Because with an abuser the good is really good and the bad is just horrible, so they think they can somehow fix him.
Also, many woman think they deserve this. And they undercut and underplay what is happening. They live in a world of complicated denial and confrontation often forces them to either destroy that denial or retreat further into it. For most of them it is more comfortable to retreat because of this next reason that the woman told me...if you leave, it doesn't get better.
The woman I knew who left the violent situation lives in constant terror of her ex. He has cost her thousands in custody battles, court fees, and more. Also, he stalks her and she never knows when he is going to show up outside her house. When they were married he just punched her, but she never thought she'd die. She told me that after she left, she began to fear for her life.
So many people think these women can just DO something, when often doing something makes the situation worse. Makes the man more angry and more crazy and the police can't help (it's all he said, she said until someone dies).
I agree Lynn Hirshman is out of line. And for my friend, our relationship is so hard. I've told her I don't like her husband and I don't want to be around him. But I do my best to see her when I am alone and I tell her that I always have a room in my house and love in my heart for her.
This is a really tough issue. My gut reaction is that it is fair to ask, but you have to accept to their answer without questioning it. I say that because it seems like any critical thinking asking might produce could be helpful. The psychology of domestic violence is so complicated, though, that I have no idea if that's true.
I like what Judy wrote at the end of her essay--that kindness and love, even from a stranger, can be so helpful. As I write this it occurs to me that asking someone why a woman stays with her abuser can come off as a kind of judgment. But if you can talk to the person about it, without any judgment, implied or outright, that could be helpful. Talking to them might involve asking them why they're staying. As long as its done in a truly non-critical way it could be OK.
