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something sweet but mostly short.


I have gone through alot of relationships that start out sweet and end pretty dull and grey. alot of them don't even last four months. I can become easily over a guy. especially when he's just really cocky about himself.. or his penis for that matter. If guys only like girls for their bodies i can promise you they are really naive, and when they decide that a one night stand will come so easy from me. don't get me wrong i do one night stands but only with a guy who thinks my thoughts are focusing on his his dick. i have been with alot of guys who think with their dick and nothing else. but on top of that i have also seen my fair share of guys who can be nice, caring, sweet, and really affectionate. I had a boyfriend who I prefer to think of as the guy I lost my virginity too. He was definitely my all time favorite boyfriend, and in front of the guy I'm in a relationship with now, I accidentaly mentioned while i was drunk that no other guy really can compare to my ex in my head. this guy is the honest reason i stood out of and away from relationships with most guys. I compare everyone to him in my head, and not to mention its probably not that healthy cause no one is the same. ha! you wouldnt believe how mad my boyfriend was after hearing his drunk girlfriend tell some of his friends that this guy he used to be good friends with couldn't be compared to anyone. i didn't word it exactly likethat, i was speaking generally but he wouldn't say a word to me the rest of the night. but my ex is somebody i have known for three years. he's like a best friend to me and i don't think i could ever stop talking to him. he's the guy that for two years i mistakenly kept allowing myself to be with. and each time me and him parted. never bad though. when things between us got really bad and i fell into my pool of self pity and started abusing drugs, especially the ones that pissed him off the most, we would just leave things they way they were and wait tell we stumbled upon each other again. and for some reason we always did and we always had apologies to trade and we always meet up again at just the right time. whether its the time where one of us needs the other most, or its the time where we are both mentally healthy enough to be together and not fuck with the other person. we have both equally put each other through stupid and bad shit, but we have also shared alot of good things. and for any guy that i have ever hurt on purpose or accident, i regret doing it to him the most. and this last time that he apologized to me I could see it in his eyes that what he said he meant and i heard it in his voice. and he was really sorry, and i refused to allow myself to believe him and i didn't even get to tell him things that i have always wish i could have. He is in a really bad place with our country right now. his family came here illegally and his parents worked their way to get their citizenship, and they gave his three brothers theirs, but he was almost eighteen when this happened and his dad told him that he had to get his own. not to mention the fact that he couldn't support himself even though he worked two jobs all the time, so he paid his friends parents that would let him stay with them. and he just went on trying to pay the immigration lawyer that he got so he could get his citizenship. well he had a truck, but no license and no insurance, and cops always liked to pull him over for it. and ticket him for it also. so when he started getting DUI's he had to go to jail for a really long time. he has been locked up now for more then four months. he has paid more then his fair share of money that he owes as a "criminal". he almost got deported too. and he has been living here since he was seven, he was about twenty or twenty one when he went in. he went to school here, and he got a high school diploma. he used to always encourage me to stay in school and to keep trying. and when i did stupid things he would tell me that i was being an idiot and that i shouldn't be doing certain things. he was the only one keeping me inline when i was in high school. and he's been gone for so long and it feels like only maybe a few months ago i actually decided to get clean and pick myself up and stop failing at everything. he never gave up on me, even when he disappeared, he was usually in jail mostly for his truck and not really being a citizen. god how i feel so bad. i miss him more and more everyday and i can't not smile when i talk about him or when every once in while someone mentions him. he wants me to go see him in jail and he has wanted me to for a long time but i cant make it out there with my car in the condition that it is. and quite frankly i would rather drive an hour to go see him in jail then to go see my boyfriend who lives about an hour farther away from me. i really think that i might love this guy, my ex i mean. i don't really know alot about love, i have never been in love. i'm not sure, but i think about him everyday, and if not at least every so many days. i really miss him.


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