I can't believe things went so bad

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So it's Sunday morning. I'm getting ready to go to Church with my best friend. She's the secretary at our Church. I haven't been in almost two years, but I was feeling like I should go and say thank you for all the blessings I have been receiving lately.

I had told my husband on Friday I was going to go. He's not a Church person, I knew he wasn't going and that was ok. He was cool with me going. I reminded him again on Saturday. And again on Sunday early. He never said anything more than ok, fine.

So I'm in Church and I get a text message from him. Telling me he was going to file for divorce. I was like huh?? He went on to say in his message that he was sure I was meeting an old boyfriend at Church, and if I wanted to be with him, he'd divorce me and make it easier for me.

To say I was stunned put it mildly. Of course, as soon as I got outside, I called home and his cell. He didn't answer either. So I stewed all the way home. When I got here, I was like, um hello? Where is this coming from?

Now, a little background. My husband, as much as I love him, is an alcoholic. He was intoxicated when I got home. The ex in question, was OLD news, haven't talked to him in 2 years. But my husband thought he went to that Church and that was why I was going.

So, of course, we get into this ridiculous argument. In the yard. I went into the house and he came in and we were yelling. He's a thrower when he's mad, and he threw my printer. And I snapped. Something inside of me just let go. I got up and I pushed him, really hard. He slammed into the closet door and his head over his eye was cut pretty good and bleeding. He called the police. I called my sister. The police came and he told them it was all a huge misunderstanding. They left. He wanted me to leave so I left with my sister. He called me a few hours later. We talked for almost two hours. He wanted me to come home. My brother in law, bless his heart, got up out of bed and drove me back across town.

When I came home, he was still kinda pissy, and we did talk a little. I was tired to I went to bed. He came in, and eventually we made love. Then we went to sleep.

Yesterday he got up and left for work. When he came home, he didn't say a word to me, nor did he speak to me again this am. He hasn't put his wedding ring back on.

We are different. This is far from our first fight, but I crossed the line. I put my hands on him. It doesn't matter if he deserved it. It doesn't matter that he stretched my patience to the limit. What matters is, he would never have done it to me, and I violated something deep.

I have apologized. Part of me thinks he may just be making me pay. Part of me wonders if we are really over and he just doesn't know how to say that's what he wants. 

So, I sit and wonder. I stress. I want to cry. But I did it to myself and to him.  

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