Is It Possible To Share Too Much?
What men's comments on a Wall Street Journal article teach us about the art of sharing.
It is possible to share too much.
That's according to an article on the Wall Street Journal's website. And if you didn't believe the article, reading the comments by wsj.com readers is great proof.
First, about the article.
The article details a fight over a sponge between a Arizona couple. There was a sponge left in a sink which led to an argument and accusations about bad housekeeping, among other things. In this scenario, the woman called her boyfriend's bud to come over and calm him down.
Now, our first thought is, "Really? This was the chosen path?" But, apparently, this is what she did.
Her boyfriend and his friend then proceed to sit on the porch drinking beer and discussing motor oil. No discussion on the relationship or lasting effects on the argument; the two discussed motor oil.
The article goes on to explain that both biology and society play roles in how women discuss problems (talking it out) and how men handle issues (bottling it up.) We could go into all the details, but or you could just read the article. It also explains how women at times need to share less and men need to share more. Read: 10 Oral Sex Tips From A Man
However, with no disrespect to the author, we find the comments on the article almost as interesting as the article itself. So here are some things we can learn about sharing from wsj.com's readers comments.
1. Share productively.
In response to a woman who said her boyfriend's arguments never hold water, a man responds with:
That is the problem, you attack and attack. That is the last thing I need when I am carrying all the financial load for the family.
We're not going to broach the topic of "carrying all the financial load for the family," but if this is how this guy really feels toward his relationship, perhaps he needs to stop being so bitter. Or maybe he should tell his wife/girlfriend/whatever how he resents being the breadwinner in the family. This would definitely make for a better solution to whining on a website. Read: Career And Family: Can We Really Have Both?
Discussion
The meat of the article is up here. It gives a few more anecdotal stories from other people either married, divorced, or going through a divorce showing men realizing (after the fact) that if they opened up then their marriage could have been/was saved, and one woman (yup, just one) who realized how much she messed up by whining to everyone (family, her and her husband's friends, and 2 radio stations) because after they patched things up some of these people have now alienated her husband...even her family shuns him!
First observation: The stories were about people in their late 40's - early 50's. I think the youngest guy on their was 48. I just question what the difference is, if any, between that generation of thought that grew up on Leave It to Beaver, caught up in the sexual revolution and the feminist movement, versus my generation born into Reganomics, the grunge scene, a brief desire to return to our roots in the 90's, and now the return of glam mixed with a more earth-friendly conscious, versus the lates generation. I've always been out of touch with the macho ideal of how men think, so I'm really just curious if guys still have such an extremely hard time facing anything on an emotional context (as if there aren't enough stories/questions/remarks on here to dispel this). I guess I'm just curious if the strength of the statements made in the article are just part of some old generation thinking from a bunch of banking fuddy-duddies who would rather read the WSJ for stock information instead of relationship counseling.
Second observation: The comments...there were quite a few alpha male statements made, but some of the quoted ones used by the author seem a little more in place when you read the threads left by the commentors. The first quoted comment, about a response to the boyfriend's argument never holding water...the woman who made the comment is a trial lawyer. In her comment you can see that she doesn't talk with her boyfriend to come to a resolution, she debates with him to show him that he is wrong and she is right. No one wins in those debates because everyone is on the defensive. The actual quoted comment goes to show that. Even though this guy doesn't know the woman he is already in the defensive, most likely because that is what his home situation is like, and the only tool he has to fall back on is how he believes he contributes best to the family. I'm not saying its a plausible rebuttal, but at this point they are arguing apples and oranges.
The majority of men leaving comments were of a similar mindset, that being that they believe the value of their contributing to the family as its sole or major financial support should not be undercut or under merited when a wife, or GF, is asking for some sort of support. Its a communication issue. Both sides are placing a value on different things without helping the other person understand what that value means to them.
There were, not so surprisingly, a couple of women who agreed with the alpha male mindset, including one who agreed with the tirade against emasculated men. These women were also, not so surprisingly, shot down by other women. One woman in particular that agreed with the view put down that she anjoyed the antagonism, the fights, the "exquisite misunderstanding", and left all needs of emotional support and sympathy to her close girlfriends. Once again, its not an idea that I embrace in a relationship, but I can understand it, or at least the mindset behind it.
Finally, the christian quote that I believe was actually misrepresented here...the one about men being built and predisposed to lead and women being built and predisposed to follow as stated in the Bible. I fully understand how his opening to his actually somewhat eloquent comment could make a lot of folks slam on the breaks. I know that in his way he really does buy into this patriarchal view...but there is more to it than just that. This quote was a response to another guy who, in his experience, has seen women react with contempt and revulsion to any percieved male weakness. Michael Hrnicek is the name of the guy who left the religous quote. Further in on his response was this little nugget,
"To lead my wife, I must understand her and submit to her needs. She must submit to my decision-making, but I must submit to her needs. "
He goes on to quote some bible chapters and re-affirms what his ideal of love and a relationship means, which more or less rehashes the above statement. Yes, its still dripping with patriarchal values, with the masculine need to be in control, but its in a context of understanding, meeting, and fulfilling the needs of his wife. His mindset is still apples and oranges, but its like he sees a new fruit in the middle called an App-Ange, or some such. In other words, his demeanor through out his comment is one of understanding that he and his wife place a higher value on different things but the both need to understand and respect the other person's values while embracing their own. Its about meeting in the middle and communication and taking action on that communication. His comment wasn't way off topic, it was just taking the topic and providing a type of solution.
We're going to find everyone on the fence, on both sides of the fence, and jumping over the fence on this one, and it won't be based on gender. It still comes down to communication and learning how to communicate effectively with your partner.
