4 Big Online Dating Don’ts
Want to hook a man online? Here are his turn-offs.
Some of you may have noticed that I haven’t been on a date in awhile. I promise it’s not for lack of trying—I’ve been scouring Nerve in search of interesting dating profiles, with little luck. I try not to be judgmental—after all, I wasn’t getting many virtual winks until my wonderful readers helped me polish up my profile. But a lot of the women on Nerve are making very basic mistakes that instantly turn off most guys. Here are the four most common offenses:
1. Don’t pose for pictures. When checking out the photos on a dating profile, I always remind myself that I’m seeing the subject at her absolute best. And that’s OK—it only makes sense to put up your most flattering photos. But I hate it when women do that pouty, Blue Steel thing whenever someone pulls out a camera. A funny candid shot goes a lot further with me. (And if you’re really into honesty, try taking a shot from the windowseat angle.)
2. Don’t complain about the last guy. Too many women (and maybe men?) use their profile to complain about former dates. For instance, there was a cute blonde girl who almost got a message from me until I read the following: “No vegans, uber-hipsters or pervs. No exceptions.” Uh, OK. I’m none of the above, but she sounds a little bitter, no? Facebook Manners And You
3. Don’t overshare. While I instantly skip profiles that only feature one photo and a few uninformative scraps of personal information, there’s something to be said for a little mystery. I’m talking to you, Ms. 915-Word-“About Me”-Section. A few choice lines from her unreal profile:
“I'm a yungian (sp) INFP personality type... an introvert with an exhibitionist and loquasious (sp) side.”
I LOOK MUCH BETTER IN PERSON, AND NORMALLY DRESS MORE SOPHISTICATED THAN IN THESE PHOTOs... I'm very busty (DD) and CURVACEOUS (back n'front...like jlo- but not puerto rican or short).
I have a collection of almost 200 books, many of which I have read, poured (sp) over, and highlighted.
And she even has a poem:
You'd look good in denim and a t-shirt,
and be some sort of perfect combination of blue collar and white collar.
You're someone who still knows what it means to be a man.
Maybe I could watch you work on cars in the summer,
while I sip on ice cold pink lemonade by the window,
in a dress,
of course.
4) Don’t make your pet a focal point. I get it—you care very much for Mr. Snugglebuttons, and it’s important for your guy to also be an animal lover. Fair enough. But take it too far and I begin to wonder if you’re looking for a boyfriend or someone to clean the litter box. Animal Aphrodisiacs: Do Pets Help Us Date?
Fellow online daters, what are the most common mistakes you've come across? Would you ever include a poem on your profile? What are some online dating DOs?
Discussion
I totally agree with your Big 4 but I have to say someone should tell the too cool for school dudes that the immediate " Come on I wanna lay ya " I got the goods thing really is a major turn off not a turn on. Sex for most women or at least for me is very cerebral. At first contact I like to be enticed into wanting to get to know them better.
I have a thing against pet crazy people ,men or women. Its ok to let others know you love your dog but I'm not looking to date a dog Just mention it, No doggie pics much less to have the dog in front of the pic that is suppose to be from you and of you, not from your dog.I pass the ones with dogs , other people or children. which one is you ? At this time in my life pets are pests .Pics with family members means to me staying at home a lot because little Annie wants to spend the summer with us or we have to babysit little Bobby the only day the symphony is in town. Also the ones without pic or the " send me a message " as profile. No pic, no profile means you don't want to be known . Why play incognito ? .
All well and good, with a little tweaking to "2. Don’t complain about the last guy. Too many women (and maybe men?) use their profile to complain about former dates. For instance, there was a cute blonde girl who almost got a message from me until I read the following: “No vegans, uber-hipsters or pervs. No exceptions.” Uh, OK. I’m none of the above, but she sounds a little bitter, no?"
If you realise that this kind of caveat doesn't apply to you, please simply ignore it. There are far more men than women on most sites. That means there is likely to be a lot more problem men who contact women. It gets old to receive response after response from people who don't get that you are not interested in what is obviously a primary cause/interest/fetish of theirs.
I don't think it sounds "bitter", it sounds frustrated. Even *you* would feel pushed to do something to lessen the contacts from the guys in diapers, the survivalists, the proselytisers. and so on. Maybe it doesn't keep the most extreme of them away (the one who couldn't be stopped by less than a jail sentence), or those who basically are spammers/trolls. But some of these guys are just misguided in someway and it certainly lessens the total number of responses from them.
On the other hand, if you are so delicate or hyper-critical that you are going to judge this as "bitter", maybe it is good that it weeds you out, too. But, as an adult, you can cut this otherwise attractive woman some slack, eh?
I got a kick out of #1, about posed pictures. I hope all of those guys who have profile pictures of themselves without shirts or engaged in what I'm sure they think are very manly pursuits, like target practice, or laying across the laps of several women, find the girl of their dreams. I will just give another "oh, man…" sigh and move on.
Qverb, I couldn't agree more about the "dis", "dat", "wid" comment. Although, I suppose that actually acts as a pretty good filter for those who enjoy that kind of silliness.
I look at all of the stuff that makes me swerve away as a positive thing. I won't be wasting my time on the guys who are unsuitable for me and they won't waste their time on me.
--Why do guys use photos that look like mug shots? I'm already a little leery that you are an ax-murderer, you don't need to reinforce that fear with a photo!
--Read a few of your competition's profiles. The funny, witty line you think is soooo original is probably being used by a few other guys. When I've read it for the 50th time, I just think lame, lame, lame.
--Don't tell me you need sex or like sex or need a woman who likes or needs sex. Duh! You're a guy, I'm going to assume you like or need sex.
--Don't try to hide the fact that you like and need sex by using 'cuddle' or 'kissing' or 'back rubs'. Nice try, but we can see right through your "I'm so in touch with my feminine side" ploy...
--Don't list (then explain) every book/movie/song you like. Also, tell me something that makes you unusual. For instance, you don't need to list every sci-fi movie you like. I'm going to assume that you like Lord of the Rings, Star Wars *and* Star Trek. It only become interesting if you don't like something. (Just like you can assume that I like romantic-comedies, I don't need to list *all* the ones I like)
I get tired of the typical, "I like to have fun" line. It kills me. Who doesn't like to have fun? I'd rather see what your definition of fun is.
Another killer is the "i need a MAN, not a BOY, who can treat me like the princess i am." Aside from the dysfunctional capitalization (and I'm not part of the grammer/spelling police, though I do my best on my end), this just screams so many problems to me. It makes me feel like I'm reading the profile of a 16 year old girl who has dated a couple college guys and thinks she's completely mature!
Other show stoppers:
-Actually using "dis" or "dat" or "wid" or any other form of language like that.
-Not giving any real info about yourself (ie, "I like to have fun")
-Any bitter comment on the number of losers in her past (the concern being she doesn't know how to break the cycle, if she even sees the cycle for what it is)
-Any demands that she needs to be respected. Its not that I don't know how to respect a woman, but I've always been of the mind that a person who is respected doesn't need to demand...they know what they are worth and when they don't need to put up with some one else.
I'd love to see the ladies point of view though on what they consider to be On-Line Dating Dont's.
Qverb, as usual, you hit the nail on the head. "I like to have fun" is my absolute pet peeve on profiles. For me, it was an instant way to vet profiles. Someone would contact me, and if they had "I like to have fun" on their profile, I'd reply, "I'm sorry, I don't think that things would work out between us. You see, I don't like to have fun." My profile is whimsical and a little sarcastic, so if, after reading my profile, they didn't understand that I was being sarcastic, well, they wouldn't like me anyway. Responses to my message were invariably boring and predictable.
On-Line Dating Don'ts for guys...
1. Don't send a generic email to all of the girls that you find attractive. Believe it or not, we CAN tell when you have a dating website form letter. We don't respond well to "Hey I just checked out your profile, and I think you look like someone that I would like to get to know better." It is unimaginative. What in my profile made you want to contact me? If it's just because you like the pictures I have up, and you didn't bother to read my profile, keep moving.
2. Don't tell me that you are adventurous and a great cook if these skills only relate to your World of Warcraft character. Be honest. While you definitely want to put your best foot forward, don't lie to make yourself seem more like the person you think others are looking for. I've seen this more times than I can count. There are girls out there who may be interested in challenging your gaming skills. (Side note: If you do play WoW, please make sure to let others know that the game doesn't rule your life. It is decidedly unsexy for a guy to cut off a great date in order to play a game. Your guildmates can tough out the raid without you.)
3. Don't put something in your profile along the lines of "I don't know why I'm doing this". This can reek of insecurity, and it also subtly insults anyone else who is looking for someone online. Do you really want to insult the girls that might be attractive or attracted to you? I also write off anyone who says something along the lines of "I'm just giving this a shot". Again, it is insulting.
4. Don't have big drawn out conversations with girls that you are interested in. Ask her out! Long conversations via email will build the anticipation to the point where it may end up being scary to actually meet you. I mean this! After the first couple of emails, if you've hit it off online, it is time to see if the chemistry works just as well offline. If it doesn't, then you acknowledge it and go your separate ways. This will keep the time invested to a minimum, and neither of you will feel cheated if the other isn't as represented in their profile or via email.
lasiren~Thank you!
Very good suggestions, especially #4! Though one can learn a great deal through the written word , there comes a point it just isn't going to tell her much more about him or the other way round. Unless you're looking for a penpal, which is okay to do if everyone is clear that that is the goal, you gotta take the plunge and meet.
#3. Doesn't bother me much. I think everyone finds a bit strange to begin online socialising, and it is difficult to write a profile. This kind of comment is mostly filler and I just can't look at it as something directed at me. I take it more as an indicator that the writer is new to the process and uncomfortable, especially when trying to write about himself. MAybe he's concerned about sounding like some of the self-aggrandising braggarts whose profiles he's seen. But, if I can see that he signed up a year ago and this is there, I'm going to take it that he's not serious at all about connecting with someone.
These are totally helpful tips. It seems like some people use their dating profile almost like a Facebook page.
