When I was a kid, my dad was whatever the opposite of affectionate is. He spent a lot of time being mean, cruel, evil, not nice, and well, you get the picture. The one place where he was not as hateful was the wallet. We went on vacations, and we had things, toys, bikes, books, but when he would get angry, he would take these things away. Eventually, things would return to "normal" and we'd go back to life. I could ask him for a couple dollars for the ice cream truck and get a $20. Even now, as an adult, the only real communication my dad and I have is through sums of money. It's the only way he can show his love, and it's the only way I know to accept it. Which Love Language Do You Speak?
When I began dating, I applied this situation to relationships. I felt like men thought they were so smart with their words, but I wanted things from them because I thought that meant they cared. I wanted trinkets, lunches, dinners and I got them. I began working when I was 14 (before I started dating actually), so it's not like I didn't have my own money, but my money meant stability; their money meant affection. This began to change after I lost my virginity. I found that if I mixed up dating, money and sex I felt awful.
Turns out that I have very little respect for a man who simply throws his money at me. Don't get me wrong, I WANT HIS MONEY! But I want his approval and love more. I know it's not worth how I'll feel about myself doing the things required to get the money the easy way. After substituting sex, because that's what men wanted and what I wanted, I became disenchanted because neither sex nor money equals love. I actually have no idea how to base my relationships on feelings. I want to have a real relationship, but it's difficult getting rid of the notion that I have nothing to offer but sex, and in return for that, he'll probably buy me dinner, things, movies, and trinkets.
Every time my guy does something for me, I feel cheapened. He got me a COACH purse (I don't make enough cash to breath on their storefront) and I felt sick to my stomach. I can't repay him for this, and I didn't want him to hold it over my head that he bought me this nice bag and now I need to do something for him (one of my dad's mindsets, passed on to me and my siblings). He hasn't done anything of the sort, but I'm still uncomfortable with it. Marrying "Up"