I'll be perfectly honest; I have no head for innuendo. Outside of being a terrific actor, I'd make a terrible spy. Double-meanings, inference and subtlety are like foreign languages to me. More like alien words, because no amount of pantomime or body language (lingua frankly) is going to get the point across.

My social retardation (or is it retardance?) probably isn't a total aberration. I'm guessing lots of dudes (and probably a few chicks) are deaf, dumb, blind kids when it comes to romantic intrigue. Are we missing an enzyme? Are we sort of autistic? Should we be counting cards in some Vegas casino with Tom Cruise and sweating Wapner's start time?

And it's not like we can't see it in other people. We're Johnny On The Spot when that gal with the Kate Gosselin hairdon't is eye-farking our boy Jake (if you met Jake, you'd know why). But that same, "damn, I want to see what you got in them dungarees" look followed by a slow, non-casual hair flip is totally lost on us (me) when directed our (my) way. Read: Learn To Flirt Like A Pro

Em & Lo have a term (playdar) that describes what I lack. I would go as far as saying that my playdar's ability to pick up "vibe" is roughly equal to the former Iraqi air force's ability to pick up stealth bombers… "is she into me or being polite?" equals "is that a B2 bomber or a flock of seagulls (haircut)?" (If you're keeping score at home, that's two Jon & Kate Plus 8 hair jokes.)

Em & Lo's man panel (EmAndLo.com) gives advice on how to pick up a man from a bar. It's a really great list and it would work on the average guy with a modicum of flirting intelligence (note: in hindsight, a few of these techniques have been foisted upon me with little to no recognition except in the rearview mirror). I do have to say that buying a guy a drink is a good move but it's about as subtle as a lap dance. Read: 4 Sneaky Ways To Put The Moves On A Guy

I would also wager that if a PYT were to approach me while Nine Inch Nails' "Closer" was being played (AKA "I want to f*ck you like an animal") and mention she likes the jam, I'd probably commence with a diatribe expounding my theory that Trent Reznor may be the most underappreciated musician of his generation.