Why We Need To Rethink Romance
We think some couples want to upgrade marriages like they do iPhones.
Ross Douthat wrote an interesting Op-Ed piece in the The New York Times titled "The Way We Love Now" which analyzes the state of love, marriage and romantic contentment in 2009. Douthat wonders if we as a society have morphed into a culture of bed-hopping, cheating hearts and sexless, impossibly unsatisfied curmudgeons. Cheating Myths Debunked
Oh, lucky us! Both sound so appetizing!
These two really attractive and glamorous options are epitomized, he says, by the philandering Jon Gosselin, Mark Sanford, and Mel Gibson, versus a more stable (albeit bored) nuclear family of stifled everyday wives and husbands. You know, the ones with picket fences and nonexistent sex lives. Where "pragmatic anxieties" trump hot date nights and fulfilling romance, he writes. What We Learn From Gov. Sanford's Love E-mails
As if it couldn't get anymore depressing, Douthat then brings class into the mix. He goes so far as to assume the "hyper-educated, socially-liberal elite" are both "highly-educated" and "highly risk-averse" while the (cough, cough) lower-educated, aforementioned show-bizzy types are the ones with the balls to stray once confronted with marriage malaise.
When it comes to divorce rates and out-of-wedlock births, Americans with graduate degrees are still living in the 1950s. It’s the rest of the country that marries impulsively, divorces frequently, and bears a rising percentage of its children outside marriage...Better, perhaps, if this dynamic were reversed. Our meritocrats could stand to leaven their careerism with a little more romantic excess.
We disagree it's a class, education or some kind of creative/slutty gene in politicians/entertainers that causes an increase in post-marriage sex partners. Rather, perhaps, marriage produces the same kind of discontent most feel once they reach 30 and think they haven't achieved enough.
It's the modern day cry baby of more, more, more and different, different, different. Sort of like constantly channel surfing your endless satellite options and turning on the A/C in 70 degree weather, only to discover you're too cold and liked basic cable just fine.
And why wouldn't we feel that way? Afterall, we upgrade our wardrobes, homes and iPhones with wild abandonment—why not our spouses?
While we are huge proponents of free will (i.e. divorce), perhaps many of these malcontented would benefit from writing down all the good things in their marriage and viewing it as a seasoned companionship rather than an adolescent, starry-eyed fling.
Discussion
I think your analysis of trading spouses as a kind of consumerism is spot on. And I hate it when people paint marriage as inevitably boring and stifling.
I think you're a little unfair to Douthat, though. He's partly quoting people who want drama and said that their marriages were boring, not saying they're right. He also adds that middle-aged couples and parents shouldn't be the ones adding drama to their life. In the end, he suggests that most Americans should be calming down the drama and staying married more often. He's conservative and he thinks probably thinks acting like it's still the 1950's is a good thing when it comes to marriage.
Putting aside Douthat and his points, I think the class difference in divorce rates is a problem we don't talk about enough in America. We always hear that 40% of marriages end in divorce, but for middle-class educated people the percentage is much lower. Unfortunately, that means people without a lot of resources are getting divorced 70% of the time. The kids fall into poverty and are at a higher risk for all kinds of problems like getting in trouble with the law and getting pregnant. Marriage has fallen apart for a lot of people who could use the economic benefits. I'm not sure why and I imagine it's for a lot of reasons. I don't know what would fix it, but I do think it's a problem. Acknowledging that might be the first step.
