When It's Best To Keep A Secret From Your Partner
Some things in a relationship are better out in the open, but many should be kept hidden.
How much do you really need to know?
I still remember the day I walked into my house only to be confronted by my entire family staring at me like I was an alien as my mother shrieked through her tears, "Thank god you're home—I thought you were dead!!!"
Um, what?
Upon closer inspection, I noticed she was holding a familiar looking book. My journal. I was 17 and, like many teenagers, having a tough time of it. I didn't have anyone I particularly trusted to talk to about my life, so my journal was my confidant. I didn't need to filter my thoughts because a white piece of paper wasn't going to judge me or yell at me. I knew exactly what passage my mom was referring to—something I'd written about wishing I were dead. It was a fleeting thought that vanished as soon as I scribbled it down, but now my entire family had listened intently as my mother read extremely personal and excruciatingly humiliating excerpts aloud. That whole death wish I said had vanished? That came flooding back as I grabbed the notebook from her hands and ran upstairs crying.
"Don't write things down if you don't want people to read them," my mom called out helpfully.
Maybe because of this mortifying experience, I've never been much of a snooper. Sure, if I strongly suspect a boyfriend is cheating and lying about it, I'll poke around, but by that point it's just to confirm what I already know. I trust my current man, but I also know there's a lot about his past (and probably present) that is a complete mystery and I'm fine with that. Discuss: I snooped! Which was worse - snooping or his lying? Can't seem to move on...
Thirty-two-year-old freelance writer Mimi agrees. "Contrary to some depictions of couples, you don't have a single collective brain once you get involved," she tells me. Mimi doesn't snoop, nor does she tell her husband everything—again, with a caveat.
Finish reading this article at The Frisky:
More from The Frisky:
Is It Okay To Keep Money A Secret?
Online Snooping Versus Stalking
Are You An Internet Snoop?
Discussion
I personally think somethings are left unsaid...if not forever at least until the time is right.....if you find the right time to tell your mate something then you should but i dont see the sense in blurting out something that you know the two of you cant handle right now.....Human beings have feelings...we are not robot....so what ever it is we have to make sure we are mentally ready and stable to deal with the waves afterwards....
Well, no... Your partner doesn't need to know "everything" about you, nor does s/he wants to. Secrets have to be shared if they may still have consequences, actual or potential, that objectively impact the relationship.
There are many sensible reasons to keep some secrets out of a relationship:
- not everything can be "dealt with",
- you never know for sure when and how your relationship will end. Let's imagine you have some dirty secret that could really put your reputation in jeopardy, something you've done long before you knew your spouse, and you share it with him/her; then years later for some reason that has nothing to do with it, you two get into one of those really nasty divorces... Well, you're really in deep trouble! Trust is cool but there's no need to overdo it.
These are just examples. Communication in a couple must be honest and open but this applies only to what is relevant in the relationship.
I disagree. Dating is one thing, marriage is another. If my wife felt she had to keep a secret from me whether to "protect" my feelings or b/c she thought I would react negatively then I've failed to instill the confidence in her I would have hoped she had in us. It leads to a slippery slope in which I'd lose confidence in entrusting information to her. From there it snowballs. I'm not fragile. I don't ask for too much, nor am I judgmental when she expresses an opinion, but total open and honest communication is the one sticking point I insist on. B'sides..us guys LOVE details! psst..a secret...that kind of intimacy makes us horny! ;-)
