55-Hour Erections Are Not Fun


NEB, erection, tent
There is a thick line between Priapism and regular hilariously inopportune erections.

According to Asylum, an ex-con named Dawud Yaduallah is suing New York's penal system (heh) over failure to treat his 55-hour erection. Per the suit, the former guest of the state was told to ice down his groin by the prison's female nurse and was not admitted to a hospital for two days. This Priapism case was the gift that kept giving as it led to erectile dysfunction, painful sex (not in a Mellencamp kind of way) and the inability to climax (b-ing an l, if you will). While I would imagine that a female nurse (is there any other kind?) at a prison has probably dealt with her share of men with hard-ons that needed relief but she could have sent him to a hospital a bit sooner.

Priapism (a painful erection lasting more than four hours) is no laughing matter. Though many comedic scenarios have come (poor choice of words) out of the condition (from a Viagra-popping fiancé on Scrubs to poor, dumb Jason Stackhouse's OD on V in a very special episode of True Blood), it's actually worse than it's polar opposite erectile dysfunction. The rationale is twofold: A) Priapism, like in Dawud Yaduallah's case, can actually lead to ED. That is one bad boner. B) It's hard (heh) to go about a regular day with a raging tent pole in one's trousers.


 And this leads us to a term called the NEB: Non-Essential Boner. The NEB is an erection apropos of nothing. The spontaneous petrifaction can have a semi-legit source such a whiff of the sexy lotion or a hug that lasts a bit too long (thanks, Larry David). But the NEB is something that young men plan their entire day around, "I can't even hug my own mother, I'm a monster!" Granted, there are tricks (using the waistband of a pair of pants, for instance) and mind games (do NOT think about baseball, try Dame Judy Dench), but only two things can really handle a garden-variety NEB: time and relief. Read: Doing It With A Drunk

Though numbers on this phenomenon are unreliable (where they exist), it's safe to say most NEBs occur in the public domain, making manual relief a potential felony. That leaves time (and a friendly waistband) as the only salvation for this malady. Sometimes a fella can't get out of a pool at the appropriate time. Sometimes he'd prefer another helping of dinner (a good move as digestion takes blood-low). And sometimes he's not too tired to get out of bed but has been visited by the morning wood fairy and needs a GD minute or two.