A friend once told me "Growing up's hard, Timmy." Of course it wasn't a friend (they would have known my name, I'd suspect), it was MTV's The State. And that has sort of become a catchphrase for me when hard, adult issues and themes are foisted upon me (especially in those damned if you do, damned if you don't scenarios).
And, for some reason, being an adult has gotten a really bad rap. In addition to mortgages, drinking coffee and ED, things just seem like they get a bit boring. For instance, did you know there is a thing called "grown-up sex" and it's for recreation not procreation*? Truly mind-bottling.
In the genius comedy Step Brothers, Dr. Doback (the totally awesome Richard Jenkins) tells Dale and Brennan:
When I was a kid, when I was a little boy, I always wanted to be a dinosaur, I wanted to be a Tyrannosaurus Rex more than anything in the world, I made my arms short and I roamed the back yard, I chased the neighborhood cats, I growled and I roared, everybody knew me and was afraid of me, and one day my dad said "Bobby you are 17, it's time to throw childish things aside" and I said "OK Pop", but he didn't really say that he said that "Stop being a f*cking dinosaur and get a job".
And Dr. Doback was sad because he gave up on his dreams and happiness just to become a grownup. That's weak beer, brah. But it does convince Dale and Brennan to rock the Catalina Wine Mixer.??
This "grownup" conversation began from a good place, EmAndLo.com. In response to a Men's Health article about 18 Things A Grown Man should never have, Em & Lo constructed 10 things a grown woman should never have. I agree with almost the entire list (personally, I don't mind stuffed animals or kitschy keepsakes and "Boulevard Of Broken Dreams," or any "Nighthawks**" remake, shows far worse taste than anything from Doisneau, Klimt or Munch).
The Men's Health jam irks me far more. I'm guessing that the age of a "grown man," in their estimation, begins sometime in the mid forties (though, it should be noted that Mike Gundy is a man and he's 40). It's probably safe to say that Manhattan re-tards transplants a little bit on the grown-up track. If you don't believe me, you should see how seriously yuppies take birthday parties here. It is ri-goll dern-diculous. While we're requesting things for people to stop doing, I would also like to respectfully like to request a complete moratorium on men's mags (or anyone over 11) using the term "stones" when referring to testicles (either metaphorical balls or dangly old gonads).