5 Things To Keep To Yourself In A New Relationship

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Shhhh
So you're wading through the trenches of a new relationship. Awesome. Don't screw it up.

1.) I'm Into Girls/Guys Who Look Like XXXXX (which isn't what's right in front of you)

Into blondes but asked out someone dark-haired? Usually stick to your own race/religion but felt frisky one day and now find yourself sharing appetizers with another skin color? Pat yourself on the back, and keep this tid bit to yourself. This one should be a no-brainer. Really. Nobody likes to hear in the beginning that they aren't what normally makes your head whip in double-take. Oh, and you also run the risk of coming across as shallow or racists. Or a shallow racist. Not hot. Radio Personality Howard Stern Disses His Girlfriend

2.) I Only Have Unprotected Sex

Yikes! Are you trying to metaphorically impale yourself? Please, please, please at least pretend condoms are your friend (as they, honestly, should be) while we throw back glasses of pinot grigio at that nice little Italian place you so graciously asked us out to. And even if you haven't used a prophylactic since 2004, this isn't really a table-top, or first-time-in-apartment discussion. (Because we aren't having sex yet...right?) Condoms are Great but Protect Your Heart, Too

3.) I've Never Been In A Relationship

Honestly, we think it's more admirable to have never been in a crappy, go-nowhere than a perpetual string of crappy, go-nowheres, so this one's actually tough. However, the whole never-been-in-a-relationship line gets less cute the older you are. Why? Because we start to wonder. Sure, maybe it's them and not you. And it's possible you're this rare breed of clairvoyant who can sniff out wicked intentions at an alarmingly quick rate while the rest of us are duped for years. But you may also just be a commitment phobe. And who says you won't be like that with us?

4.) I'm Still Living With My Ex (But Only For Economic Reasons)

Ugh. Let us guess. You're sleeping on the couch. Looking for a new place. Going to get out as soon as the economy improves/you get a raise/they move (which they swear they will soon, but they're sort of dealing with something now, so you don't want to push it...). No. We'll say it again: No. It's not really, (what's the word?) wise to start something new while living (literally) with your past.

5.) Meet So-So, We Used To Sleep Together

That's great. Thanks for sharing. Guess what? You won't be sleeping with us! We're fine, nay, happy that you have friends of the opposite sex. We're going to try our damnest to convince ourselves it's just platonic. So don't ruin it and sear the mental image of you two naked together when we're just feeling you out. Thanks. Thanks a million.

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